Questions with no answers....yet

Questions with no answers…yet.

When talking to my sister the other day she told me that when she is asked how something makes her feel…she can’t come up with an answer. This struck me, kinda hard. I too have trouble expressing my feelings. The only thing I seem to be able to get out is anger, and even then, I’m usually so irrational that I discredit myself by being completely out of control. But I’m going to try to get out some feelings here…. I need to get some negative clutter out of my brain, and make room for some positive goodness.

I was never listened to as a child or teenager by my mother. I was told what to feel & think, and anything other than what she thought was unacceptable. I never got to be part of a discussion, it was all her doing the yelling, talking and dictating. Any speaking on my point was “talking back” or being disrespectful. I learned early that feelings and opinions had no place in the Rasmussen home. Expressing feelings was just complaining, being ungrateful, being disrespectful for not listing to my mother. All of us learned to shut up and shut down or suffer her wrath. No one asked me how I felt, and if I did say, I was told I was wrong to feel the way I was feeling. We are a family of keeping our emotions locked deep inside.

I don’t think anyone takes me seriously. I feel like I mostly annoy people or piss them off. It’s hard for me to grasp that others might actually like me. I always feel like I’m the one who has to prove my worth, that I have to fight to prove my point, that I have to work extra hard to show that I know what I’m talking about. That I’M always the lucky one that others are giving me their time and attention, that I’M the lucky one to be allowed to be part of the club. When really, they are equally as lucky to have MY time and attention, to have ME in the group, right? Aren’t they?

I’m always the one feeling like I have to “behave” or “play nice”, because if I keep irritating people they will leave, or drop me like a hot potato. Why is it that no one ever works that hard to make sure I’m happy? How come I’m always the doormat? Why isn’t anyone worried that if they don’t treat me right, I’LL be the one to walk away? Am I that easily replaceable? Do they just tolerate me until someone better comes along?

These are crazy thoughts, I know. Even writing them makes me feel like I must look like the most pathetic self loather on the planet. That’s what makes no sense to me. I KNOW that I’m fun & smart, I KNOW that I am talented and special, I KNOW that I am equally , if not more knowledgeable than most, when it comes to music, performance, what it takes to make music, and have a successful project. I KNOW these things about myself, I love me, and it completely bamboozles me that others don’t see it, and can so easily blow me off. Do I seem weak? Do I just lack the skills to properly explain myself? Do I joke around too much? Do I let others walk all over me out of fear that they will walk away from me? Am I taking only what is offered because I don’t feel I deserve any better? Are they intimidated by me, and therefore try to keep me feeling unsure of myself? Is it so hard to acknowledge that I might know what I’m talking about? What about me says that I don’t have a clue?

I do not know the answers to these questions. I wish I knew, and I need to find out. I wish I knew if it was just me feeling this way about myself, and projecting it onto others. All I know for sure is that it feels pretty bad to feel disregarded all the time, even if it’s all created in my own mind. I do not feel respected by most of my peers in the music biz. I’ve always had to fight to be taken seriously. I do not feel like I have a voice when it comes to telling others they have done something to bother or hurt me. I feel like being nice doesn’t work. No one hears me when I try to be nice. Things don’t get accomplished, and I’m only heard when I’m finally so fed up that I get loud and mean. Then that’s all that is remembered about me, the part where I was loud and mean… Why doesn’t anyone remember when I was trying to get my point across nicely? Why doesn’t anyone own up to the fact that they were wrong, and that I tried to stop problems before they happened..but since they don’t take me seriously, and just brush me off, it happens anyway.

Where are MY apologies? I’m always the one saying “I’m sorry” when I’m wrong. Most of the time the things I am apologizing for, are episodes that I don’t even have any control over. I don’t have a label for these moments, but I know that they are not the REAL me. I can’t stop them, and they are usually brought on when someone has disregarded me, or disrespected me, or treated me like I can’t possibly have a valid emotion, point or opinion. It bothers me to the point that I cannot sleep, sometimes for days. My hands shake, my heart races, I sweat, I pace & rant, I write long emails that I never send… I feel like I’m trying to think through the fuzz on a tv screen when it’s not on a channel.

Do I really have to apologize for something that I’m almost certain is a mental condition that I can’t control? Whether it’s fair or not, I always take personal responsibility for it. I carry the guilt as if I did it on purpose. It eats away at my self worth on a whole other level. Why has it gone on so long, and no one has been concerned enough to get me help? All these years, and the people in my life just think I’m a crazy bitch, blow me off… Why wasn’t I worth some concern? If I had chest pains or some other physical problem that wasn’t being taken care of, people would be on my ass about it. But this, no, sweep it under the rug. Depression, anxiety, mental or emotional problems - just an excuse for bad behavior right? Wrong.

I never feel like anyone is worried about whether they disrespect me, or insult my intelligence and expertise. “Blah, it’s just Shannon, she doesn’t have anything relevant to say. I’ll just ignore her, then dictate what she will do later”. I really believe that’s what people say to themselves when I talk. I rarely feel like anyone is REALLY listening to my ideas or thoughts. It’s so absolutely frustrating, because I don’t know about much, but what i know about… I KNOW about, and I’m usually right in the end. I see problems before others do, I try to ward off these problems, but since I am not taken seriously… we end up in exactly the predicament I was trying to avoid. THEN I’m usually the one to come up with the last minute solution, or I’m the one who makes it work and bails out whoever caused it to happen in the first place. Why do I do that? Because I fucking hate to fail, even if it’s someone else’s fault. Failure that I tried to prevent chaps my ass more than just about anything.

So, how do I present myself better? My ex-therapist suggested “kill them with kindness”. “Wrap your concerns or complaints with compliments”… I’m sorry but no one is kissing my ass to make sure not to insult my sensibilities. Really? Why do I have to play by a different set of rules? Why do I have to walk on egg shells, and suck up in order to “earn” respect? I’m 39 years old for God’s sake, I know stuff, I am worth being treated fairly and respectfully. I’m am worth people shaping up when they are not living up to MY expectations once in a while. I’m tired of being the one to change, and “work harder” to be better, so that I will finally be acceptable to others. The process of “changing” never ends, fix one thing, and suddenly there’s something else that isn’t right. It’s really just a way to have power over me. I have given my power away for too long. I’m no longer willing to change or “be better” to earn approval.

I am who I am, I love me or not, it’s your choice. You can take me or leave me, and I’m going to work on not caring if you do or don’t approve or like me. Then I’m going to decide if YOU are worth MY time, and move on if you’re not.

I’m smart, funny, kind, caring, spontaneous, free spirited & loud in restaurants sometimes. I love my family, and I’m a good wife and mother. I know what I’m talking about when it comes to music and making it sound good. I know what it takes to entertain a crowd. I know my own vocal and performance strengths better than you do. I work hard, I play hard, I’m good with money, I can cook, I love to play cards, I love to garden & read. I think sex is one of the greatest things EVER, and I am not ashamed of my sexual side. I LOVE it. I’m not afraid to use “sexy” to my advantage. In my business “sexy” sells, and it’s one of my best assets. I can multi-task just as good, if not better than any executive. I love summer, swimming, hiking, walking the dog, sitting outside on a hot night and talking. I like to take my time and fully enjoy everything, I hate being rushed. I like to take pictures & act silly in public. I love to dance. I talk too much…

I could go on and on, but… my advice to those in my life. Stop… take a moment to really HEAR what I’m saying, it’s crazy, but I might actually have a point. Stop… notice me, all of me. Focus on the good parts instead of only seeing the bad. I’m pretty cool, I can make your life better and easier if you’d only let me.

Finally, if after taking an honest look at me and REALLY trying to know me, you find that you still don’t like me, or approve of me… that’s ok, I understand. But please, don’t try to mold me into who you want me to be to achieve YOUR goals. Move on and find people who are already what you are trying to force me to be. I’ll go ahead and find people who like me the way I am. I can no longer be miserable to make sure you are satisfied with me. I need to be satisfied with me. I need to live MY life AS me, the real me. I cannot live my life trying to cram myself into your definition of “the proper Shannon”.

All of this is easier said than done. Hopefully I can find a different therapist who can really help me get to the root of the matter. Until then, I’m going to keep on keepin’ on. Help me, understand me, support me & love me, or get the hell out of the way, time’s a wastin’.