Open up your eyes

Today several of my friends are posting pictures on facebook that they took while out and about in their neighborhoods. I'm finding myself feeling compelled to grab my camera and see what's out in MY neighborhood that I haven't noticed. The sun is shining, and it's a beautiful Sunday afternoon. Maybe I'll head out and see what visual treasures I can find.

Are you taking the time to truly enjoy the beauty around you? I know I'm not. I'm so focused on my career, my house, my appearance, everything but taking a moment to really look around. I do appreciate the sunshine, but other than that...I'm virtually blind. I think I'll take a moment, and see what I can see.

So Much to Do

So much to do!

5 days ago I had not much of a clue how I was going to move forward with my solo music career. Quite honestly, I’m still virtually clueless as to the actual steps I need to take, but I’m finding myself with tons of tools to explore so I can figure it out.

Yes, I’m very happy and satisfied with both music projects I’m currently working in. SugarSmax (5pc rock/party band) is fun, great money, and allows me to hang out with talented people I truly love and value in my life. S & M (2 piece acoustic duo) allows me to express myself in more intimate settings where Mark and I can talk with the crowd, and explore the music a little more. But, there is this third facet, probably the most important one, that is still hanging out there “beyond my reach”. Beyond my reach? Why? Who says?…yeah, that’s what I’VE been saying, and quite frankly “beyond my reach” is bullshit. It’s right there for the taking. I just need to reach out, grab it with both hands and run like I stole it!

I’m feeling a major shift in my attitude. No more dwelling no the past. No more being angry at my mother, Steve or who & whatever else is my scape goat for not doing this sooner. This is my time, I prayed for help, I opened my mind to help, and now I have so much in front of me, that I need a few more hours of the day to read/ listen to podcasts & blogs, and most importantly PLAY MUSIC!

No more complaining.

No more engaging in conversations with people who constantly complain.

No more looking for reasons why I might fail.

No more making excuses for putting things off.

No more fear (ok, less fear…ok, no more letting fear hold me back.)

MORE confidence.

MORE creativity.

MORE actual doing, not just talking about it.

MORE thinking positive thoughts.

MORE visualizing my dream.

MORE looking for reasons to succeed.

MORE open mindedness to new ideas, and new ways of thinking.

MORE smiling.

there are probably more “no mores” and “mores” that I can add to this list, but it’s a great place to start. I look forward to the huge amount of work this is going to take. I will be thankful every step of the way, even if there is a set back. These setbacks & mistakes hold value in what is learned from them.

Look out world, Shannon Lee is hitting the music scene. I am visualizing myself playing my songs on festival stages, at original music venues, opening for bigger acts, and eventually being the one that an up and coming will want to open for. I see a big stack of CD’s that people will want to have for their own. I see that by sharing my gift with the world, I might be able to bring some joy to others like so many artists have brought to me.

What is your dream? What do you see yourself doing? What are you NOT doing and why? Think about it, are you ok with the answers to these questions? What are you going to do about it if you’re not?

Shannon Lee

The Final Push

The Final Push

So, it’s just under 2 months till the end of the year.

Time to re-evaluate the time table and see if I’m going to make it. A few questions to ask myself:

1 - Have I worked daily towards reaching my goals?

2 - Have I taken advantage of every opportunity presented to me that puts me closer to my goals, and opens up roads to NEW aspirations?

3 - Have I balanced my personal needs with the needs of my family?

4 - Have I caused no harm to others while doing everything I can to reach the target, in other words have I gotten to where I am fairly?

5 - Do I have time to finish before January 19th, 2011, or do I need to adjust the time period.

6 - What can I do to maximize efficiency these last 2 months, and what will I do when I get there?

There are probably more questions I need to ask myself. Before I answer these questions, I would like to review what I have accomplished. I have reached the goal of a quality working music project, 2 actually. I have taken steps towards establishing my name as a solo artist and original songwriter in the Charlotte area. I have lost 37 pounds (so far). I have taken care of both my physical health AND my mental health by finally admitting I needed help and actually getting treatment. My family has reached a point of stability and happiness finally after the trauma of a move in the middle of my children’s teen years. My house is in order (OCD helps in this matter). Steve and I are both putting forth the effort to not only enjoy what we already have together, but to also learn and grow and nurture our love to new heights. All in all, I would say that my 40th year has been, and will always be remembered as a major turning point in my life.

I really like who I am. I like how I treat people. I like how the world sees me inside and out. I truly believe that the more I appreciate the gifts I’ve already been given, the more that comes my way without even asking. I am so very very blessed, thankful and happy.

Now answers….

1 - No, not every day. I had some very low points this year, times of wanting to just give up, but something inside wouldn’t let me. So I’d say “most” days I did at least 1 thing to get to at least one of my goals.

2 - I do believe that I have taken advantage of every opportunity I recognized. Sometimes I just didn’t see it till the time had passed. But, for the most part…yes.

3 - There have been a few weeks lately where I was very intensely involved with getting my music career back up and running. But, now that I am mostly settled, I am back on the homefront. Steve was very helpful in picking up the slack while I needed my time. The children are flourishing, and I could not be more proud. Steve and I are doing better than ever. So yes, I’d say not only balancing, but jumping up and down and doing flips on the tight rope with ease!

4 - For the first time ever, I can honestly answer this question “yes”. I haven’t always been the nice one with everyone else’s feelings in consideration when making decisions. I used to try to get what I wanted at all costs, which is probably why I never did find myself where I wanted to be. I’ve made my fair share of mistakes this year, hurt some feelings, but the difference? I admitted my error, and sincerely apologized. So, yeah… “yes”.

5 - The million dollar question. Do I have time. The last 16 pounds to the magic number in 10 weeks… 1.6 pounds a week? HELL YES I have time! The last round of P90X starts tomorrow *flexes guns*. Before and after pictures to come… I may even get brave and post the ones from my birthday last year when I was sporting an extra 37 pounds, was out of shape, and…a lot squishier.

6 - Easier said than done: Eat right, drink water, less alcohol (ouch), stick with the fitness program, but most of all BELIEVE IT, SEE IT, and just f’ing DO IT!

Time for some random musings now that the bidnez is all covered.

I knew that this week would be the start of this final push. Getting to that magic number “125” was never entirely about being skinny and looking better. Yes, as an entertainer, and as a woman it’s always nice to look how I want to look but… This year has been so much more than that shallow goal. This has been a year of looking deeply inside myself, who I am, who I want to be, how I got here, how I didn’t get to where I thought I would, how my mental issues have held me back, how I will continue on the path to self understanding… yep, it’s been a big one, and a big change. Reaching that tangible goal was more about setting out to do something fairly monumental, and sticking it out to the end, actually doing it, not stopping short, no excuses, no quitting. The reward I get from knowing I did what I set out to do will be so much greater than seeing my ass in a pair of size 3 jeans. (although, I do like the sight of a nice ass in a pair of jeans…at any size).

It’s crazy how you can find inspiration, and help even when you are not looking for it specifically. In fact, I think that it’s often the people you meet, or the things you come across when you aren’t expecting it that often can make the most impact. This is why we must always keep our eyes and ears open. God, or the universe, or whatever you believe in usually knows what you need when you ask for help better than you do. If you already knew the answers of how to get where you’re going, you’d be there and wouldn’t be asking in the first place…

So, we hit up the Carolina Ren. Faire this past Sunday. Who’d have thunk that a day at the faire could have any kind of impact other than just a day of fun and memories with my family. Well… there are several examples of how one can find inspiration when not looking. Someone wanted to send me a message, and ok ok ok, I heard it loud and clear, stop shouting!

First off, what a beautiful day. The girls went off on their merry way, money in hand, and fairy wings over their pea coats. So frigging adorable.

Steve, our friend John and I studied the schedule of shows, and plotted out which we wanted to see most… somehow we ended up at the hypnotist show, and yep I got up on the stage. Was always curious. What a weird thing, but it was fun, and apparently funny as the dude had me thinking Steve had been lost on a deserted island for months and I just found him in the audience =) I found out later that he also suggested that every time Steve wink at me, I’d be all over him like when we were first in love (here I thought we were just having a nice day) but it did work, and it was wonderful. In fact I should send him a thank you note, because late that night…omg…anyway.

We saw Dead Bob, and I was Bobitized…and we saw three Tortuga Twins shows. I got to play their “Helen” in one of the skits, where they all three tried to “woo” my heart. Hell if it were for real I probably would have been woo’d by all three, at once if they were into that kinda thing (ok, kidding but still… when you have three men in velvet tights standing with all their glory shakin’ in your face, the mind wanders). Soooo, onto my point. As an entertainer myself, I am fascinated at how they can get an audience so deeply involved in their show. I took note of how these three men seemed to genuinely be having a great time together, and with the audience. The confidence, and the pure insistence that people get with the program, awsome. I want to learn this skill. I want to get over being afraid people will ignore me, that they don’t like me, that they think what I’m doing is stupid (in a bad way)…. I find myself feeling braver to take risks and put myself out there after watching these shows.

So… that left me thinking that I had gotten all I could from that day. Fun with family, fun with our friend who is town visiting, managing to involuntarily (but willingly) be involved in 3 different shows, providing the children with a memorable cultural experience AND finding inspiration for my entertaining goals… but wait there’s more!

Who should friend me on facebook …Raphael Tortuga (R. Mordant Mahon). This made me feel special, and I found myself wanting to investigate this interesting person. So, I did what any good facebook stalker does, and I completely trolled his profile =) I certainly didn’t expect to find that he is a life coach, and among other things an author of a book about manifesting ones goals (I have to admit that I was initially drawn in by the title “Why real women drink straight tequila”… I happen to be a tequilla swilling girl myself. Although I’m not allowed to drink it without a chaperone, as I get really friendly with everyone and my clothes fall off…) Anyway, this lead to an interesting conversation, which lead to another book (Crush it) all. right. when. I. needed. it: The day before I hit the road running towards the last 10 weeks before my 40th birthday. Yeah, I’m still a little weirded out by it, but, I’m going with it. I’m gonna read these books, I’m gonna go to the book signing I was invited to, I’m gonna see why this was plopped in my lap this Tuesday, November 9th, 2010. Maybe there’s more, maybe this is it, who knows. But I’m gonna find out =)

So, here’s the deal. Set goals, stick with them, check yourself, adjust when needed, keep your eyes & ears open, realize you don’t already have the answers, be brave, be confident, be grateful, love yourself, love others….and mostly find the joy in all things, and live your life fully. It’s the only one you get, and it’s yours, claim it!

Making the Best of it

Making the best of it

So, today is September 12th… Wheatland is in the full swing of it’s final afternoon, and I’m not there. I haven’t been there all weekend. It has been kind of depressing =/ But, we just couldn’t justify the cost this year, and I would have had to go alone. NEXT year I’ll be there!

For those of you who have spent more than 5 minutes with me, you know that the Wheatland Music Festival is very near and dear to my heart. It’s my yearly dose of therapy, my rev up for the following year both spiritually, personally and musically. If you’d like to check out what I’m talking about I’ll add some links to the bottom.

I decided that if I couldn’t be at Wheatland I would make the best I could of the weekend. Friday night I played a gig with SugarSmax, which is always a blast (and the extra cash is always a bonus). Yesterday Steve and I tackled a huge job around the house, we cleaned the carpets and got some other housework done.

Today, I am going to finish laundry, do some more stuff around the house, and work on some projects in my creative cave (ie the music/craft/sewing/facebooking room).

It’s been a good day, because well.. all my jeans are officially too big. I don’t have one single pair that fits properly! This blog was started in the first place to document my road to 125lbs at 40 years old. I am now about 18ish pounds away from that goal (gained a little on vacation this summer…but it’s lost again). 18 pounds, wow. I started out barely fitting into a size 12 because they were too small, and now a size 8 is bagging off my ass. It feels good to reach a goal, and be on track.

So, here’s the deal. My music career is WELL on it’s way to being what I want, my house is clean and beautiful, and if I keep pace, I will be at 125 pounds and a nice size 4 by my birthday in January.

After battling (and still battling, but winning) depression, anxiety, lack of self esteem, lack of motivation…I am finally seeing the determination of the past 8 months starting to pay off and come together. What I’ve learned is that nothing happens over night, you have to set realistic attainable goals, and pursue them at a pace that you can actually achieve. Set yourself up for success, but push yourself past your comfort zone…but don’t push yourself so far that there is no way you’ll reach the goal. Find that balance (I tend to use that word a lot in this blog). You CAN reach those goals. Believe me, if I can do it, anyone can…. You will have set backs, that doesn’t mean you’re failing, it just means you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and gain back lost ground and keep moving forward.

Even though I’m not where I want to be in body this weekend at Wheatland, I am exactly where I want to be in the whole of my life. I am on the road to fulfilling the goals set at the beginning of the year, and I can feel the work I’ve done setting root in my life, therefore creating permanent change. So, I will embody the Wheatland spirit, and embrace the reasons why I go every year, and rev myself up for another year anyway. Happy Wheatland everyone, may you find your own piece of inspiration and let it work in your life.

www.wheatlandmusic.org

Tim O’brien one of my fav wheatland artists

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gc3vzdhFEV8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MdDTxvDJ1Rw&feature=related

The Duhks

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOCqDXocucU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYdk_TcCeW8&feature=related

Grada

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPrNnmudDuk

The Steel Drivers

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmhSDPojTLE&feature=related

Crooked Still

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSkORUlS5MQ&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=29QCJgdIGGY

Enjoy

Potential

Potential…

So, I’m finding myself fighting a battle that seems endless. Potential, FULL potential, why are people so afraid to reach it? Why is it that some feel the need to discourage others? I’m not certain these Debbie Downers even realize they’re doing it. There is such a thing as being way too practical, and way to literal.

My philosophy…. reach PAST your full potential, go till you can’t go anymore, fail, fall down flat on your face. Chances are you’ll get a hell of a lot further than if you stop where you are guaranteed success. Safe is boring. Safe is exactly that, safe. What if all the innovators of this world stopped short, took the safe route, took no risks. We’d be about nowhere near as far along as we are.

You cannot pre-plan everything. When I set out to go running, I cannot decide before I run out of breath how far I can go. ”I can only run a mile”, so what do I do? Yep, run a mile, rather than running until I collapse… From one standpoint that would be success because I reached the “goal”… but really it’s probably a failure, because I may have been able to run 2 miles. I might never know unless I go till I can’t go any longer.

So what are YOU going to do? Play it safe or take the risk at failure and get further along to reaching your full potential? I know what I’m going to do, and those who want to come a long, jump on board… if not, get the hell out of my way and don’t complain when you’re not satisfied with your own life.

Loving a Creative Soul

Loving a creative soul

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. No excuse, really, other than being horribly busy, but I did find myself pondering something that has been an issue for me my entire adult life.

Being an artist of any kind has never been considered a “legitimate” career by mainstream society. Now, these same folks love to go to concerts, collect expensive art, libraries of books, and so on… but the artists themselves, vagabonds, irresponsible, “less than”. These people are the ones who steer their children from following their creative endeavors, for more “stable” careers. They would be embarrassed to have a starving artist in the family, no matter how happy it made the artist themselves. It’s sad really, how much beautiful art, music, poetry has been lost to children who’s gifts have been crushed by disapproving parents.

Now, should a child manage to survive with their parent’s support, they still have other hurdles to jump. The rigors of favoritism in school/college and even once they are out in the world. This can be overcome with tenacity though, one must just find the right people at the right time, keep at it, and dreams do come true.

Probably the BIGGEST mountain that an artist must climb in life, is finding an understanding and supportive mate. It seems that people fall in love with the artist, while they are being an artist, then as soon as they get their claws into them… poof, they change their mind. Suddenly, this creative person should “quit the band”, “get a real job”, “grow up”, “get a haircut”…whatever. What makes these people think it’s ok to make such demands on the person they supposedly love? This is usually the same person who will demand that their own goals get reached, at the sacrifice of the artist, because their choices are more predictable, responsible, acceptable.

I had this in my own life. I sacrificed my dreams to make sure my husband’s career was successful, and he gladly let it happen. I wasn’t strong enough, or sure enough to follow through back then. It’s different now, he’s different now, but it was a struggle for both of us. Many of my musician friends, same thing. The endless battle with the spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend. Are they threatened? Scared? Jealous? yes, yes and yes. They are threatened by something they do not understand. They are threatened because this need to create is separate from them, and most times more deeply ingrained in our being. Scared, absolutely. Scared that we will leave them for our passion, that they will be shoved out of the way by our success, and left behind. When really, all they do is increase the risk of being left behind by trying to take away something that is as important to us as breathing. Jealous… almost always. Jealous of the art itself, jealous of the other artists we interact with, jealous of the attention we get because of what we do.

These feelings of being threatened, scared, jealous, while understandable… who is really the selfish, irrational one here? Certainly not the person who clearly sees their destiny as a creative soul. It’s the one who can’t trust and believe that the one they love is being true to themselves AND to their mate, and will not leave because of being allowed to create, but will more likely leave because of being suffocated, and kept from their art.

I also notice that it is generally the nature of the artist to allow these dreams to be taken away for love. This sense of responsibility, the need to feel accepted, the need for approval… so often we put our dreams off til later, to make our mate happy, to make them feel better, safe, secure, to be acceptable. Inside that is a slow death, a cancer that grows resentment, regret and animosity. Allowing a true creative spirit to be shut down is putting them in a prison, it’s cruel. On the other hand it is also up to us as artists to reassure our mate, not exclude them, to explain and help them understand the importance of this in our lives. We must also give equal support to what they want to achieve in their lives. Balance.

God doesn’t make mistakes. He doesn’t dole out the gift of art or music to everyone. We are carefully selected, and that drive, that need is in our soul on purpose. It’s a crime to keep these gifts from the world. How dare parents, spouses, loved ones hinder these God given gifts. They are robbing their loved one of their passion, and robbing the world of the joy that comes from their art.

So, to my artist friends. Stand up, fight, keep moving forward. We only get one go round on this earth, claim it! If the people who say they love you, truly love you, they will support you, and if they don’t, do it anyway.

To those of you who love an artist. Build them up, listen to their music, read their poems, look at their paintings and sculptures. Really appreciate the gift, support, be a cheerleader. Realize that what you want out of YOUR life isn’t the only thing that matters, you cannot dictate if and when creative pursuits matter. If you can’t do that, sat the very least get out of the way. Life is about balance and everyone getting what they need, it is possible to achieve.

Luckily, here in our house, we have found that balance. It may be 20 years later than we would have liked, but it’s here now, and I am thankful & stronger for it. I truly hope that all of you can find the balance in your lives to make your dreams, and the dreams of those you love come true.

It's been TOO long!

It’s Been TOOO long!

I’ve been neglectful of my blog the last couple months. There have been some frustrating & trying times, but there has also been some wonderful times. We spent 9 days in Michigan on the lake, which was glorious. Things have changed for me in the music world. I’ve been battling a chronic cough, which no doctors seem to be able to diagnose or cure =( Hopefully today at the ear nose and throat specialist.

Karen from SugarSmax had asked me if I would fill in for her while she was on maternity leave, which I gladly said I would! I expected to take over for her at the end of September maybe Mid October. Well, she got put on bed rest last week, meaning I took over 4 days later. It’s wonderful, but also a little stressful, at least until I have a better handle on the music. If I wasn’t hacking up a lung every 5 seconds it would take a lot of the pressure off =) Still, it’s great exposure, an opportunity to learn a TON of new music, and most of all a chance to play some KICKASS music with my dear friends!

What else? Well, the wellbutrin seems to still be helping me from becoming a total crazy person. I made the mistake of going off it for a few days, thinking maybe I didn’t need it anymore. Boy was I wrong. I ended up having a really bad “episode”, anger, sadness, thoughts of suicide, Steve almost took me to the hospital after I ended up going to the “bad place”. It’s a term I’ve coined for when I totally shut down, curl up, go inside myself, cry, and no one can get to me. It’s scary, I hate it there, I hate losing control. Needless to say, I haven’t missed a day since going back on it.

I’m sure I still need to seek psychiatric help, but there’s this fear of finding out there’s really something wrong with me… and even more, a fear that they’ll tell me NOTHING is wrong with me, and that I’m just a crazy bitch. Which would truly suck =)

Anyway, onto the weightloss… I am sitting pretty at 144 pounds, 19 to go to the goal. Not to shabby considering I haven’t really been working out, just watching what I eat.

The Power of Creativity

The Power of Creativity

For the past few days, I have been on edge. My guess is that it’s just “that time of the month” reeking havoc on my mood. But today, I have been very focused on hanging pictures on the walls, moving a few things to different spots, and coming up with ideas for the house that reflect our family more. I realized after several hours of this, that I’m obsessing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining really. When I am in this frame of mind, I can think very clearly “outside the box”. The outcome is usually amazing, and nothing I could accomplish on a regular sane day. However, the feeling of NEEDING to be creative, not being able to do anything other than what my mind has latched onto, can be a little frightening. It’s like I don’t even see or hear what is going on around me. My mind buzzes with ideas, some I can actually accomplish, and some that are so outlandish that looking back at them I’m asking myself “really? come on….” Then I actually answer myself “yeah, let’s try it!”

Have I completely lost my mind? Does everyone go to this magical wonderland in their head? Sometimes when I’m there, I never want to leave. Maybe I’m writing music, scrapbooking, taking pictures, decorating, creating art…. whatever it is, it can be an amazing feeling. Unless, I get trapped there. It happens on occasion, especially when “the muse” visits me. There really is no other explanation for it. I’ve used that term for years for the times when a song NEEDS to be written and finished. Yes, “needs”. I’ve learned that to ignore The Muse is to lose the song forever. She will not be ignored. She nags at me, taps on my shoulder, says “you must do it now or never”.

Visits from my muse have been some of the most emotional times in my life. I’ve written about happy moments, sad moments, happenings in the world, whatever she deems important enough to put to song. I lock myself up in my music room and in my head. I forget to eat, barely take enough time to use the bathroom or get a drink of water. Once in a while it’s too much, and I drink (or other things) & come out of it the next day with something so close to my heart, that I can’t believe it came from my hands, my voice, my head.

There have been times when the songs are so personal, so deep, that I’m almost embarrassed to play them for others. I ask myself: ”what will they think?” ”will they want to know why I wrote it?” ”Will they know my secrets after they hear it?” “Will they relate?” “Will it help someone in the same situation?” I decided long ago to just play them when it feels right. The listener will take what they want from it, hopefully relate it back to themselves.

Some neat things have happened to me over the years of playing my songs for others. Even at the bar, I have had many tearful hugs and handshakes from people who were moved one way or another by what I have written. I never know what to say, or how to react, because it just doesn’t seem possible that something I created could move another person so much. Can I really do that? I mean, it’s special to me, because I wrote it, but… it’s just hard for me to wrap my brain around the idea that someone else could love it just as much.

Art is a powerful thing. I have a painting in my music room that made me cry when I first saw it. It moved me in a place so deep inside, that I didn’t pick it up from the artist until 5 years after I paid for it. I was afraid to have it in my possession, it had that much power over me. Now I sit and stare at it quite often. I’ve memorized every line of it, the emotions, the looks on the faces. I draw strength from it now, when before I couldn’t hardly bear the feelings it invoked. I’ll post a picture of it someday, it’s really a blog post in itself. So, I guess if I can have that powerful of a reaction to a painting created by another, then it just might be possible for someone else to have a powerful reaction to a song of mine. I do get a lot of happiness knowing that something of mine, could make someone have a deep emotional experience.

Isn’t that the real reason people create? I mean deep down. We create because we are compelled to do it, we MUST do it, we must vent our emotions into song, poetry, books, paintings, sculpture, whatever our “medium” is. In venting our emotions, we are also compelled to share our creations with others, to let them have an emotional connection too, and we all feed off the energy. Art connects people together, whether we speak the same spoken language or not, it doesn’t matter. We can communicate through the Art. It’s really an amazing thing we humans can do.

Not everyone can “create” in the same way. It is the responsibility of those who have the calling to provide these beautiful things for those who haven’t been given the gift. The same way that someone who has been compelled to invent/explore science/ teach/ build/ heal/ whatever, must share THEIR calling with the world. Each of us has been given a unique and special gift. We all contribute to this world in our own way. We each provide something to society that not everyone can do. We must depend on each other for these things. When we knit all these special gifts together, it creates this wonderful network of working together & providing for one another.

My father is one of the most brilliant men I have ever met. He never went to college, he’s not that great of a reader/writer. He has zero knowledge of today’s communication/computer technology. He can’t sing, play an instrument, paint a painting but…. He can fix and build anything, and I mean anything. His mind works in ways that even the most educated engineer probably couldn’t do. If he can’t find what he needs, he builds it himself. He has singlehandedly saved the factory he works for millions of dollars with his ideas for machinery and efficiency. He’s never been given the proper credit of course, as the higher ups take all the glory, He’s never been given much more than a couple cheap gift cards for his contributions, but the joy he gets from solving the problem is priceless. He contributes with his own version of creativity. He is also one of the most sensitive, loving and generous people I’ve ever met. He may not be able to create music, but I have seen him brought to tears just from song. And boy does he love to DANCE! He is the first person to lend a hand to someone who needs a project completed, I really admire him.

Recently I reconnected with an old friend on Facebook. She had told me how glad she was that I was still singing and asked me if I still played this one particular song. She couldn’t remember the name of it, but remembered the first two lines: ”I don’t remember mama, she died when I was young”. I had sang it around a campfire when we were very little, grade school. I couldn’t remember the song, so I had to look it up. “Keep on Singin’” - Helen Reddy. Holy SHIT, as soon as I started listening to it, all these wonderful memories of singing/listening to that song flooded back to me. Brought tears to my eyes. I’m in the process of re-learning it now. How on EARTH did she remember that from 30 years ago? We were friends, but not super close…. I was blown away. Could it be that even then, the music had that much influence?

We must all let our personal “muse” take us by the hand. Let her lead you down your creative path. Develop your gift, share it with the world. Don’t waste the talents you have been given. Use them. It will not only fill a void in YOUR heart, it will also fill a void in the heart of someone who needs/wants what only you can do. It doesn’t matter what it is. It doesn’t have to be artsy fartsy, it can be an invention, fixing a car, building something, planting a garden, healing a hurt, comforting someone, being a good listener, teaching, preaching, cutting hair, repairing a pipe, saving an animal, ANYTHING. There is no pre-defined list you must choose from. Whatever you are compelled to do, whatever you are passionate about, it’s YOURS. No one else can define it’s worth, because it’s value can only be determined by you, and by those who love and need it just as much as you do. There can be no price put on fulfilling your personal destiny, and using it to help someone else.

I challenge you today to take a really good look at yourself. What moves you? What do you find yourself daydreaming about doing? Ask yourself “Am I making the most out of my gifts”. ”Am I satisfied with how I am using my talents?” What can I do to share these things with others?” Life is short, time is fleeting. Get out there and DO it. I promise you, the joy and satisfaction you get will be immeasurable and life changing.

Reaching the 1/2 Mark

Reaching the 1/2 way mark

Well, I am quickly reaching the 1/2 way mark of my year before 40. As I look around and evaluate my progress, I’m pretty damn happy.

I’m at right around 1/2 way through my weight loss goal. I started out at 178 (yikes) a very tight size 12. I am now at 151, and in a loose size 8. 27 pounds down, 26 to go. I’m thrilled to proudly don my bikini to lay out in the sun. I may even wear it to the pool if I can get it through my head that I can. The weight is coming off much quicker now, so with the summer, working with the band more, swimming, P90xing, and watching my diet even better…I will get there BEFORE my birthday, how exciting.

Restless is right on the cusp of being ready for whatever comes our way. There is always that “growing pains” phase at the beginning. No matter how good the musicians are, it still takes time for everyone to mesh together. It still takes time to get the name out there. It takes playing those last minute gigs when people call, it takes playing freebies and benefits sometimes. It’s frustrating when you’re putting that much time, effort and money into something with little to no return. But that’s the way business is. Even though this is our hobby, our fun time, our “drug of choice” it’s still a business, and business takes investment before a profit can be made. We are almost there =)

I’m enjoying the acoustic work with 1/2 of Restless, and I’m excited about another acoustic venture with a fantastic guitar player. So much happening, I may reach that goal of playing at least 2-3 nights a week within the year or soon after. Again, how exciting!

My health is well under control. I’m officially in the normal range weight wise. My cholesterol is low, my blood pressure is low, everything checks out! The Wellbutrin is helping greatly with the depression, which is lessening the anxiety due to less stress. I still have to look for a new therapist to start attacking some of my “issues” with the past & self worth and all that stuff. Also to help with the outbursts of rage that still happen, albeit not nearly as often as they used to. So, we’re not there yet, but major progress has been made.

I’m feeling closer to the girls and to Steve. I feel that our family has become a lot closer & stronger over the last few months. Exactly what I wanted. This is something that must continue to improve. Our family is wonderful, but I know it can get even better if we keep at it.

I’m elated. So much done. No regrets, no feeling like I slacked and let another year go by without fixing things. I’m DOING it, even if everything isn’t at the goal yet, everything is right on track to get there by the deadline. (and really, if I don’t exactly meet the deadline…it won’t be a tragedy if I’m still working at it, right?) I feel so empowered that I made a decision to change my life, started out with baby steps, worked at it every day, steady progress, and there is measurable change.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, or a year, and neither is the rebuilding of a life. Even after these goals are met, there will be exciting new things to reach for. Proving that I am capable of reaching the goals I set is the best gift I could give myself for my 40th birthday!

I’m going to post “before” and “1/2” way photos soon! Be on the lookout.

Inspired to find my Authentic Self

Inspired to find my authentic self

Dolly Parton is my all time favorite celebrity. She was on Oprah Friday. The two women who have inspired me so much, together, it was great. Dolly isn’t necessarily my favorite singer, or songwriter…but she is a perfect example of a good person, and how I’d like to to be perceived one day. Both she and Oprah keep it real, they are down to earth, funny, positive, generous, and so absolutely comfortable with their true selves.

Isn’t that what we should all be aiming for? Comfort with our true self. I know I’m finding it difficult to even identify who my “true self” is. A lifetime of people trying to dictate who I “should” be, and disapproving of who I really am, has left me a little detached from myself.

Rebellion pushed me over the edge into a radical version of me years ago. This came about just to prove that I would do whatever the hell I wanted no matter how much others tried to control me. Add that to the list of things that definitely doesn’t work for self acceptance.

After that I decided I would give a go at becoming exactly what everyone else wanted me to be. I left my outrageous self behind, became that perfect mundane little person that seemed to me to be the only way others would finally be happy with me. In one way it worked, everyone else was perfectly satisfied, but me? I was miserable, living in a skin that wasn’t mine. Newp definitely not the answer.

So here I am, trying to find that middle ground. My authentic self, just for the sake of being me. No needing to prove anything to anyone else, no needing to rebel, no need to try to fit the “description”… I think I may finally be closer to finding that centered, balanced place where everyone is happy. Honestly, anyone who doesn’t like who I am right now, just needs to move on. Their loss, because I’m finally turning out pretty cool =)

Both Oprah and Dolly are an inspiration. They started out just like the rest of us, struggling financially, messed up families, every day average people… but they didn’t let it stop them, no excuses. They kept at it, achieved their goals, stayed true to themselves, learned from their mistakes, and they are fantastic women. They haven’t let the money and success go to their heads.

Their success doesn’t come from the fame and money. I see their greatest success in their self acceptance, that they have found their true joy, they haven’t let anyone else dictate their personal definition. THAT is what I would like to find in my life. Don’t get me wrong, the fame and fortune would be a nice bonus, lol, but I don’t think that it defines true “success”. Watch some TV or read a magazine and you’ll see that there are a TON of unhappy, completely messed up rich and famous people. On the flip side, some of the happiest people I’ve ever met are completely unknown and hardly have two dimes to rub together. We must all learn to find our joy within ourselves, no matter where we happen to find ourselves in life.

So here are the positives in my life right now: I have a beautiful family, a husband who loves all of me (even the bad stuff), I’m becoming more aware of who I am, what I am capable of, and what I am willing to put up with from others. I’m healthy, and getting healthier all the time. I am finally becoming confident in my ability as a musician, performer, and my knowledge and experience in the business. Which means I’m not going to take any more BS from those trying to dictate my future entirely. The band I’m currently working with has more potential than just about anything I’ve ever been involved in in the past. I like the me I see starting to solidify from the mist of my messed up past.

I hope that someday, I can be an inspiration to someone else to find their authentic self. I’m not there yet, but I’m enjoying sharing the journey to “me”. It’s exciting, it’s so satisfying… you should try it for yourself!!

(see that arrow to the left? that will get you to the next page of blog posts if you’re interested in reading more)

Staycations

Staycations

We’ve been doing this for several years, even before it became all “trendy” for saving money. We had the entire family to our house in Detroit for 10 days one summer. Casey, Mike & Ashlyn stayed in the camper in our back yard, Dad got the guest room. We hung out, swam in our pool, played cards, drank, bbq’d, went to the Toledo Zoo, Casey and I scrapbooked, Mike and Steve played World of Warcraft, and did pretty much everything we would have done at an actual campground. All this without the hefty price tag.

We’ve had two of these type of vacations here in NC with my family. They are awsome, we cook our own food, play the Wii, watch movies, play cornhole, cards, and usually go on at least one outing. Last time we did an afternoon of bowling, a night at the bar when my band played, and then some karaoke.

Steve rarely has time off when we’re not traveling to MI. He rarely gets time off at all, as a matter of fact. He has had this week off, and we have had our own mini staycation. We have layed out in the sun, slept in, done some shopping, went to a movie, cooked together, worked out, and it has been so fun. He has two more days off. Tomorrow we are going hiking, and hopefully the beach where we are going will be open. If not, that’s cool, we’ll just come home and enjoy our beautiful back yard.

We’re finding that it doesn’t matter where you vacation, but how you make use of your time where ever you are. We’re finding such joy in the simplest things. We’ve talked & laughed more in the past few days than we have in a long time. Sure, I’d love to go to the outer banks, or some exotic destination, but the result would have been the same. We would have spent some much needed quality time, only the scenery would be different.

I never get tired of hanging out with Steve. He’s not just my husband. He’s also my boyfriend, my buddy, my best friend, my confidant, my workout partner, the pool boy (no we don’t have a pool anymore but that doesn’t matter), my cabana boy, pizza delivery man, milk man, mail man, gardener, lawn boy… basically my everything. I love him, and I love this wonderful time we have had this week. I am so looking forward to the rest of our staycation. There really is no place like home =) Why go to paradise when you already live there?

Customer Service - The Lack Thereof

Customer Service - The Lack Thereof

Ok here I go. This has been brewing for quite some time and today is the day. Today’s thoughts were inspired by having to deal with Blue Cross Blue Shield yesterday. Actually, Steve did most of the “dealing with” and I mostly paced and ranted.

Let’s go back a few weeks here. Remember when I was so excited about getting my life together? Doctor appointments, medication for my depression, and therapy to get my head shrunk. Well, at my first therapy session, my therapist told me to check and make sure that we are covered. So, like a good little dogooder, I came home and went to the BCBS website, opened up the 2010 benefit book, and started doing the research. We are in NO way financially able to pay 200+ a week for therapy, so it was very important that I got this right.

Alrighty, in the search menu I type “cognitive therapy”…woohoo there it was, page 41. I read the entire page. Standard option, covered up to 75 visits per year $20 copay. YES!! That we can afford. I read the entire page, looking for any loopholes..newp. Everything looks fantastical. So I proceed, 4 visits total for myself and 4 for Delaney.

Now it takes a while for the therapist to submit charges, and us to get the “explanation of benefits” thingie in the mail. Yep, you guessed it DENIED. All of a sudden this treatment requires pre-approval. Panic set in pretty quick when I started adding up what this meant if we had to pay this out of pocket. A balance of $760 dollars after the co-pay we already paid.

I went back to the book with Steve, back to the page about therapy, and again we found nothing about “pre-approval” required. WTF? Now that we knew what we had to look for, we looked at the entire book and found one tiny paragraph on page 16, in with the general information, that states that mental health treatment needs pre-approval. Why isn’t on the same damned page as where the mental health BENEFITS are listed? Side note, this change was just made January 1, 2010.

This was at about 4:30 in the afternoon, btw. So, Steve gets on the phone. BCBS is closed (of course) but the company that they use for mental health (Magellen) is open. He explains the situation, and they basically said “Gosh too bad for you”, and blamed BCBS and my therapist. They were rude to Steve, and absolutely no help whatsoever, and told us to call BCBS in the morning. (Yes, I stewed about this all night)

Fast forward to 8:30 yesterday morning. Steve gets on the phone with BCBS, and starts trying to get answers. BCBS had to talk with Magellan… and they finally said they would back date the pre-approval 2 weeks. This only covers 1 visit for me, and 2 for Delaney…3 out of 8. Had Magellan done this the day before, it would have been 4 of 8. So, Steve had to fight with them again because he had called the day before, and they were no help whatsoever, and it’s gonna cost us another $100 bucks… “We’ll have to call you back.” They pretty much accused Steve of lying about making a phone call the night before, and had to go back in their records to find the call… in the end they added on the extra day and covered one more visit.

Then the person on the phone said something about “balance billing”. Steve asked for further explanation. Come to find out, since our therapist is a preferred provider, they cannot bill us for the balance of their fee, since they have a contract with BCBS. We were also informed that all Mental health providers had been briefed about this change, and in the end, the PROVIDER is responsible for making sure pre-approval is obtained. But of course when we asked for that in writing, they couldn’t possibly provide that. In the end they covered 4 of the 8 visits, and we were told we were not responsible for the other 4 due to the Provider’s mistake.

Steve talks with the therapist, tells her the deal with them back dating to cover 4 visits. “Alright, well let me look at my sliding scale here… ok so that means each visit will be $50, minus your $20 copay, that’s $30 per visit, so a $120 balance”… Steve says “I’ll pay that, but I want you to know that this is ME doing YOU a favor, because I know you are not allowed to balance bill us. We will take our share of the blame for this, and it’s important that we maintain a relationship with you because Delaney is going to continue to see you.” She didn’t seem very happy, but agreed. Oh, and that means that she charges people with insurance $115 per visit, but those without only pay $50, no wonder our Insurance is so outrageous, we’re subsidizing uninsured people.

Is it really our responsibility to know this stuff? We are not the experts here, yet the buck stops with the consumer. And who ends up paying…yep the consumer. Now the $120 bucks is way better than the original $760, but this was not our screw up. If Steve hadn’t stuck with it, they would have gladly let us pay that money without giving us the proper information.

Let me note that we pay $1200 a month for our insurance. That is roughly $15,000 a year. We a rarely go to the doctor, no chronic illness, and this is the first time we’ve ever used our insurance for anything other than the regular stuff. We’ve been with BCBS for 20+ years. Steve was treated like he was trying to steal from the company, they accused him of lying about the first phone call’s existence, and were basically rude and put out because they had to deal with a valid issue. He was very pleasant until they were rude to him, then he let it rip. Steve is no one to argue with, it’s like argument chess and he’s already got the next 4 moves all planned out. There is no escaping the eventual “check mate”. I hate it when I am the one arguing with him, but love to watch him work over someone else =)

We are considering moving to AETNA, but in reality, Customer Service sucks everywhere. You have to watch and double check everything because the company you are dealing with will inevitably drop the ball. When we moved, literally every entity we had to deal with screwed up. Realtors, title companies, mortgage companies, cable, phone, internet… it was an endless task of having to point out & fix mistakes being made by these people dropping the ball, messing up our move, and costing us time and money. We had issues with these companies both on the selling and buying side, both on the shutting down and starting up of new services. Don’t get me started on the foreign reps that you can’t frigging understand. By the time we were finally moved in with everything turned on, I was to the point of immediately asking for an actual American supervisor, and skipping the first person who can’t do shit for you anyway. Oh, and I skipped the nicely trying to explain stuff too, I went straight to bitch mode. I was going to get there anyway, might as well save everyone some time, right?

Isn’t it the job of Customer Service to SERVICE the CUSTOMER? Aren’t we as consumers the ones who keep their business up and running by giving them our money? When we pay for something, shouldn’t we actually GET what we are paying for. Shouldn’t these company employees be thanking us for keeping them in a job? If they hate their job so much, maybe they should give it to one of the unemployed people who would LOVE to have their job. They can say their attitude comes from dealing with angry people all day…well HELLO, if the company would get it right, and do what they are being paid to do, then you wouldn’t have angry customers. What ever happened to “the customer is always right.”

Cripe, the Walmart employees get pissed off when they have to unlock something from the shelf that we’d like to buy. I can’t buy it unless they unlock it, if I can’t buy it, the store doesn’t get my money, if enough people get fed up with getting attitude every time they need something unlocked… then someone’s going to lose their job due to lack of money. Do I really need to feel badly for interrupting someone to shop at a store? Since when am I no longer the main concern as a money toting consumer?

Something is seriously wrong in this country. The small business man who actually gives good service can’t hardly stay in business, and these enormous companies can treat their customers like shit and still do just fine. We need to start standing up for ourselves, and try to shop where we are respected for being the consumer we are. I know this impossible all the time, ya gotta shop where you can afford it, but when possible… boycott bad service, and at the very least make a phone call or talk to a supervisor when you get bad service. I have no problem telling a company that I will never shop with them again, and that I’ll tell my friends that their service sucks. I have no problem complaining, we have to, or it will just continue to get worse.

It’s our money, we work hard for it, companies are not entitled to our money, they are lucky we choose to spend it with them, and we should be treated accordingly.

Lastly, if it gets too bad dealing with Customer Service…wine helps dull the pain a little….

Questions with no answers....yet

Questions with no answers…yet.

When talking to my sister the other day she told me that when she is asked how something makes her feel…she can’t come up with an answer. This struck me, kinda hard. I too have trouble expressing my feelings. The only thing I seem to be able to get out is anger, and even then, I’m usually so irrational that I discredit myself by being completely out of control. But I’m going to try to get out some feelings here…. I need to get some negative clutter out of my brain, and make room for some positive goodness.

I was never listened to as a child or teenager by my mother. I was told what to feel & think, and anything other than what she thought was unacceptable. I never got to be part of a discussion, it was all her doing the yelling, talking and dictating. Any speaking on my point was “talking back” or being disrespectful. I learned early that feelings and opinions had no place in the Rasmussen home. Expressing feelings was just complaining, being ungrateful, being disrespectful for not listing to my mother. All of us learned to shut up and shut down or suffer her wrath. No one asked me how I felt, and if I did say, I was told I was wrong to feel the way I was feeling. We are a family of keeping our emotions locked deep inside.

I don’t think anyone takes me seriously. I feel like I mostly annoy people or piss them off. It’s hard for me to grasp that others might actually like me. I always feel like I’m the one who has to prove my worth, that I have to fight to prove my point, that I have to work extra hard to show that I know what I’m talking about. That I’M always the lucky one that others are giving me their time and attention, that I’M the lucky one to be allowed to be part of the club. When really, they are equally as lucky to have MY time and attention, to have ME in the group, right? Aren’t they?

I’m always the one feeling like I have to “behave” or “play nice”, because if I keep irritating people they will leave, or drop me like a hot potato. Why is it that no one ever works that hard to make sure I’m happy? How come I’m always the doormat? Why isn’t anyone worried that if they don’t treat me right, I’LL be the one to walk away? Am I that easily replaceable? Do they just tolerate me until someone better comes along?

These are crazy thoughts, I know. Even writing them makes me feel like I must look like the most pathetic self loather on the planet. That’s what makes no sense to me. I KNOW that I’m fun & smart, I KNOW that I am talented and special, I KNOW that I am equally , if not more knowledgeable than most, when it comes to music, performance, what it takes to make music, and have a successful project. I KNOW these things about myself, I love me, and it completely bamboozles me that others don’t see it, and can so easily blow me off. Do I seem weak? Do I just lack the skills to properly explain myself? Do I joke around too much? Do I let others walk all over me out of fear that they will walk away from me? Am I taking only what is offered because I don’t feel I deserve any better? Are they intimidated by me, and therefore try to keep me feeling unsure of myself? Is it so hard to acknowledge that I might know what I’m talking about? What about me says that I don’t have a clue?

I do not know the answers to these questions. I wish I knew, and I need to find out. I wish I knew if it was just me feeling this way about myself, and projecting it onto others. All I know for sure is that it feels pretty bad to feel disregarded all the time, even if it’s all created in my own mind. I do not feel respected by most of my peers in the music biz. I’ve always had to fight to be taken seriously. I do not feel like I have a voice when it comes to telling others they have done something to bother or hurt me. I feel like being nice doesn’t work. No one hears me when I try to be nice. Things don’t get accomplished, and I’m only heard when I’m finally so fed up that I get loud and mean. Then that’s all that is remembered about me, the part where I was loud and mean… Why doesn’t anyone remember when I was trying to get my point across nicely? Why doesn’t anyone own up to the fact that they were wrong, and that I tried to stop problems before they happened..but since they don’t take me seriously, and just brush me off, it happens anyway.

Where are MY apologies? I’m always the one saying “I’m sorry” when I’m wrong. Most of the time the things I am apologizing for, are episodes that I don’t even have any control over. I don’t have a label for these moments, but I know that they are not the REAL me. I can’t stop them, and they are usually brought on when someone has disregarded me, or disrespected me, or treated me like I can’t possibly have a valid emotion, point or opinion. It bothers me to the point that I cannot sleep, sometimes for days. My hands shake, my heart races, I sweat, I pace & rant, I write long emails that I never send… I feel like I’m trying to think through the fuzz on a tv screen when it’s not on a channel.

Do I really have to apologize for something that I’m almost certain is a mental condition that I can’t control? Whether it’s fair or not, I always take personal responsibility for it. I carry the guilt as if I did it on purpose. It eats away at my self worth on a whole other level. Why has it gone on so long, and no one has been concerned enough to get me help? All these years, and the people in my life just think I’m a crazy bitch, blow me off… Why wasn’t I worth some concern? If I had chest pains or some other physical problem that wasn’t being taken care of, people would be on my ass about it. But this, no, sweep it under the rug. Depression, anxiety, mental or emotional problems - just an excuse for bad behavior right? Wrong.

I never feel like anyone is worried about whether they disrespect me, or insult my intelligence and expertise. “Blah, it’s just Shannon, she doesn’t have anything relevant to say. I’ll just ignore her, then dictate what she will do later”. I really believe that’s what people say to themselves when I talk. I rarely feel like anyone is REALLY listening to my ideas or thoughts. It’s so absolutely frustrating, because I don’t know about much, but what i know about… I KNOW about, and I’m usually right in the end. I see problems before others do, I try to ward off these problems, but since I am not taken seriously… we end up in exactly the predicament I was trying to avoid. THEN I’m usually the one to come up with the last minute solution, or I’m the one who makes it work and bails out whoever caused it to happen in the first place. Why do I do that? Because I fucking hate to fail, even if it’s someone else’s fault. Failure that I tried to prevent chaps my ass more than just about anything.

So, how do I present myself better? My ex-therapist suggested “kill them with kindness”. “Wrap your concerns or complaints with compliments”… I’m sorry but no one is kissing my ass to make sure not to insult my sensibilities. Really? Why do I have to play by a different set of rules? Why do I have to walk on egg shells, and suck up in order to “earn” respect? I’m 39 years old for God’s sake, I know stuff, I am worth being treated fairly and respectfully. I’m am worth people shaping up when they are not living up to MY expectations once in a while. I’m tired of being the one to change, and “work harder” to be better, so that I will finally be acceptable to others. The process of “changing” never ends, fix one thing, and suddenly there’s something else that isn’t right. It’s really just a way to have power over me. I have given my power away for too long. I’m no longer willing to change or “be better” to earn approval.

I am who I am, I love me or not, it’s your choice. You can take me or leave me, and I’m going to work on not caring if you do or don’t approve or like me. Then I’m going to decide if YOU are worth MY time, and move on if you’re not.

I’m smart, funny, kind, caring, spontaneous, free spirited & loud in restaurants sometimes. I love my family, and I’m a good wife and mother. I know what I’m talking about when it comes to music and making it sound good. I know what it takes to entertain a crowd. I know my own vocal and performance strengths better than you do. I work hard, I play hard, I’m good with money, I can cook, I love to play cards, I love to garden & read. I think sex is one of the greatest things EVER, and I am not ashamed of my sexual side. I LOVE it. I’m not afraid to use “sexy” to my advantage. In my business “sexy” sells, and it’s one of my best assets. I can multi-task just as good, if not better than any executive. I love summer, swimming, hiking, walking the dog, sitting outside on a hot night and talking. I like to take my time and fully enjoy everything, I hate being rushed. I like to take pictures & act silly in public. I love to dance. I talk too much…

I could go on and on, but… my advice to those in my life. Stop… take a moment to really HEAR what I’m saying, it’s crazy, but I might actually have a point. Stop… notice me, all of me. Focus on the good parts instead of only seeing the bad. I’m pretty cool, I can make your life better and easier if you’d only let me.

Finally, if after taking an honest look at me and REALLY trying to know me, you find that you still don’t like me, or approve of me… that’s ok, I understand. But please, don’t try to mold me into who you want me to be to achieve YOUR goals. Move on and find people who are already what you are trying to force me to be. I’ll go ahead and find people who like me the way I am. I can no longer be miserable to make sure you are satisfied with me. I need to be satisfied with me. I need to live MY life AS me, the real me. I cannot live my life trying to cram myself into your definition of “the proper Shannon”.

All of this is easier said than done. Hopefully I can find a different therapist who can really help me get to the root of the matter. Until then, I’m going to keep on keepin’ on. Help me, understand me, support me & love me, or get the hell out of the way, time’s a wastin’.

Compulsion or Reality?

Compulsion or reality?

Looking around my house this morning I saw some clutter. In my mind, once a clean house gets cluttered. That means that it is dirty, and once de-cluttered must be re-cleaned, even if I just did it a few days ago. I went around and picked everything up, sorted the laundry, Steve had unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher. I was set to start dusting, vacuuming & cleaning bathrooms. But I stopped, and took an honest look at my house. What did I see? A damned beautiful home. If ANYTHING needs to be done at all, it’s just a quick vacuuming of the great room carpet and furniture since that’s where we all hang out the most. The dog hair gets a little out of hand.

So where does this wacked out version of cleanliness come from? This neurosis is the gift that keeps on giving that I received from my mother. Yes, she sure did teach me how to clean house, but… a woman’s value does not come from how perfect her house is at every second. If there are crumbs on the kitchen floor, I feel like I’m a failure. OMG there is a spot of spilled jelly in the fridge, call the refrigerator police! The guilt that I feel that there is a week and a half of laundry in the hall way upstairs is almost overwhelming. I look at those neatly sorted piles and all I see is the start of a hoarding problem, is it time to ask TLC for help?

This is crazy, and I know it’s crazy. My head tells me that the reality is that my home at it’s worst is cleaner than most people’s homes at it’s best. The reality is that I am way too worried about it, and I spend more time cleaning than I need to. The reality is that the kids and Steve actually do help, and are more in the “normal” zone when it comes to living in our house. The reality is that I have expectations of myself and my family that are unattainable unless everyone obsesses over the house as much as I do. The reality is that if I keep myself busy cleaning, I have an excuse for not getting out into the social world. The BIGGEST reality, is that I need to make sure I do not pass this on to my girls.

I don’t make my children clean 1/10th as much as I did as a teenager. My mother would have me cleaning every day after school, all day Saturday, all day Sunday, and once I finished my list…she would just add to the list, rather than letting me be done. I missed out on a lot because I had to stay home and clean house. My friends even remember it 20+ years later. I absolutely refuse to let my children miss out on fun opportunities because I have this ridiculous need to have the house ready for a Better Homes and Gardens shoot at every moment. They both know how to do dishes, clean a bathroom, dust, vacuum, laundry… they will be able to manage their homes when they leave here.

So, I spend most of MY time trying to live up to the unreachable standards set by my mother for my entire childhood. I remember my mother telling me just before I got married “You’ll never keep a man like Steve because you don’t know how to keep a house”. She probably doesn’t even remember saying it in one of her fits of rage, but it sure stuck with me. I know that Steve would never leave me if I were to let the house go a little, that’s just dumb. Yet, there’s always that little voice in my head “you better be perfect or you’ll be alone.”

So, my rational mind knows this is all compulsion. But my crazy mind can’t shut it off, so I must force the issue. The goal today is NOT to dust, NOT to vacuum more than the great room carpet and furniture so we’re not sitting in dog hair, to ONLY wipe down the kitchen sink and counters after we eat dinner. (and do a little laundry, REALITY is that the kids can’t go to school naked or in dirty clothes) That’s it, the daily stuff, nothing more. I will NOT clean floors that are already clean. I will NOT dust tables that have no dust. I will not re-clean a clean bathroom. I will go through the anxiety, and come through it realizing the entire world didn’t come to an end because I left a fingerprint on the mirror =)

One Non Smoker's Take on the Smoking Ban

One non-smokers thoughts on the smoking ban in bars

Okee, here’s the deal: I don’t smoke, never have. I have been a long time bar musician, and patron. No, I don’t like coming home smelling like smoke, no I don’t like my hair being all stinky till I take a shower. But, I have always understood that if I CHOOSE to work and socialize in that environment, that there would be smokers. No one was forcing me into these establishments.

I think these bans are great for grocery stores, straight up restaurants, and other public places. But, if these places serve booze, and are open past 10pm, then the smokers should be allowed in. What the non-smoking people don’t understand is that a bar survives on the people who sit, drink & smoke every day or every weekend. I believe this ban was brought about by people who go out once in a while (if ever) and are home by Midnight. No thought whatsoever about the waitresses, bartenders, bar owners and musicians out there trying to make a living at these places. Not to mention an entire portion of society who LOVES to go out to a packed bar, listen to music and have fun with their friends, smokers or not.

Are all these non-smokers going to suddenly become party animal drinkers who stay out till 2am every weekend? I highly doubt it. So, while this ban has made it more comfortable for the people who go out once in a while, it has pretty much obliterated the vibe inside the bars for those who are there regularly.

It would be different if the smokers had been replaced by this huge flock of non-smokers who have been chomping at the bit to go to the bar, drink and stay out late every weekend. But, no, that hasn’t happened. If you are going to make rules, and complain, you better be getting your asses in there to make up the difference. Your $20 tab every 6 months isn’t going to help anyone.

I would like to ask the non-smokers: Was your only reason for not going to the bar the smoke? Are you going more often now that there is no smoke? Or was it other factors, like finances, not liking to drink, or be around drunks, not liking to stay out late, or a ton of other reasons. If the ONLY reason was the smoke, where are you? Why aren’t you out wooping it up now that you got your way?

Yes, where are all you non-smokers who wanted these bans? Not at the bars here in NC. Nothing has changed for you people, you’ll still come out once in a while and spend your meager amount of cash. But those of us who are there every weekend now serve less people, in a boring atmosphere…thanks a lot, my checkbook really appreciates it.

So if you were one of the ones on the high and mighty “no smoking anywhere ever” band wagon, get out there and spend some money at the places you have hurt, and do it a hell of a lot more often than you did before the ban. Bars should be overflowing with people who couldn’t wait to get in there and drink smoke free.

Every time you see a small local pub or bar go out of business, you can know for sure it was your fault entirely. Your fault by 1. taking away steady business and 2. not going in there any more than you did before anyway. Way to go.