8 days ago my doctor switched my medication from Prozac to Wellbutrin. I was worried, but knew that I didn't want to walk around like a zombie for the rest of my life. Prozac wasn't the answer. I have to say, that I have not felt this in control in many, MANY years, if ever. The intense angry tirades I used to have are gone, very little anxiety in the mornings, I can concentrate on a task for more than 10 minutes without losing my mind, no mood swings. When I get a little frustrated my first instinct isn't to go to the refrigerator. Could it really be that my mind was that far out of balance? 2 little pills a day and I feel like an all new person. Is this how normal people feel?
I spent a lot of years being very sad, and feeling worthless most of the time. I would turn to alcohol when it got to be too much, just to feel something other than dread. These moments of sadness were usually followed by intense feelings of euphoria, big ideas, no sleeping & racing thoughts. I haven't been diagnosed with bi-polar, but I wouldn't be surprised if that's what they call it. I would obsess over something I said, or did, worrying that I had upset someone, or looked stupid. I would obsess over what I saw as wrong doings toward myself or people I care about, to the point where I couldn't sleep. Nothing less than perfection in everything I did was acceptable, if I couldn't do it perfect then I was a failure, or it was better not to do it at all. How many opportunities did I miss out on because of all that?
Mornings were the worst, I would fixate on an issue, then be unable to get out of bed, for hours. The anxiety over the amount of effort it would take to get up was overwhelming. I would have a hard time working up the energy to take a shower, and most of the time was unkempt, hairy legs and only got cleaned up nice on those rare occasions when we were going out.
I would get into these horribly irrational fights with Steve, blaming him for every problem and failure I've ever had in my life. Getting so angry that I would break things, kick doors, pound on tables, it was horrible. That was often followed by feeling like I was the luckiest girl in the world, and everything was perfect. No middle ground, no gray area, my life was either completely in the shitter or completely wonderful.
The time has come to really get this all sorted out. Maybe it's as simple as taking Wellbutrin. I'm going to go into see a counselor anyway, can't hurt to spend some time on the crazy person couch. I've had blood tests, a complete physical, blah blah blah, and feel confident that we will keep at it until everything is all fixed up.
It's amazing to me that Steve has been able to put up with me all these years. I realize now that I wasn't in a stable frame of mind, I wasn't the "me" I was meant to be. But still, a person should only have to take so much. I'm lucky to have him.
The only thing I wish now, is that I had taken these steps years ago. What a waste of precious time. I was scared, scared of being told I was crazy, scared of being told there was nothing wrong with me and to stop being so melodramatic, scared of being "beige" or "vanilla" or boring because someone had told me the drugs mellow you out too much (which the prozac did). Fear and guilt are powerful things, they can keep you from moving forward. I'm so lucky that I didn't lose my family, my marriage, even my life from all of this.
Never again will I scoff at the terms "depression, anxiety, or obsessive". It's not something you can just decide to change, it's real, and it's ok to go get help. I'm glad I did.
The only side effects I am experiencing from the Wellbutrin are:
1- less of an appetite, which should help with the weight loss
2- a higher libido, which there's no way I'm going to complain about.
3- a slight ringing in my ears, but it's not too bad
4- I have to pee more often
Easy enough to live with all that stuff. My advice to anyone who suffers from depression or anxiety, go get help. There are medications and therapy out there that can make your life so much better. Everybody is different, it's all trial and error, but you can get answers, and you can get better.
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