Dinner for 4

Day 3 of actually doing my hair, putting make up on. Could it be I actually care about myself for a change? My day started early when my darling eldest daughter forgot a folder for school. Not too long ago that would have made me furious, and would have ruined my entire day. But I popped out of bed, threw on some clothes, and bebopped right to the school with a smile on my face. Heck, I didn't even go back to bed after.

I feel like a whole new person, discovering a whole new world, and a whole new life. I want to play music, and record it, and share it. Fear of ridicule, fear of letting people see too far into my soul kept me from doing more with my music in the past. So many changes, I just want to sop it all up with a biscuit.

Steve and I took the girls out for dinner tonight. We were supposed to go to Buffalo Wild wings together as a date, but Mackenzie used her mad skills to get us to take her, and pick up Delaney from school so she could go too. Initially she wanted to just lie to Delaney, tell her that we picked Mackenzie up at Jonathan's house on our way home from dinner. No way we could do that. Delaney was tired, not too much into going out to dinner. We ended up having a great time anyway, even Delaney. Our kids are hilarious, and gutsy. They're fun to hang out with.

It's amazing how much stink can come out of a teenage girl, though. Mack about gassed us out of the explorer on the way home, which made her giggle with juvenile glee.

Tomorrow we head to Michigan for Spring Break. I'd rather stay home, but a promise is a promise, so off we go. It will be nice to see some friends in Detroit, friends from high school, and the family. But, I will miss Steve terribly. I feel like I've rediscovered him all over again, and I find myself more in love with him than ever.

Life is good.

If I Had Only Known

8 days ago my doctor switched my medication from Prozac to Wellbutrin. I was worried, but knew that I didn't want to walk around like a zombie for the rest of my life. Prozac wasn't the answer. I have to say, that I have not felt this in control in many, MANY years, if ever. The intense angry tirades I used to have are gone, very little anxiety in the mornings, I can concentrate on a task for more than 10 minutes without losing my mind, no mood swings. When I get a little frustrated my first instinct isn't to go to the refrigerator. Could it really be that my mind was that far out of balance? 2 little pills a day and I feel like an all new person. Is this how normal people feel?

I spent a lot of years being very sad, and feeling worthless most of the time. I would turn to alcohol when it got to be too much, just to feel something other than dread. These moments of sadness were usually followed by intense feelings of euphoria, big ideas, no sleeping & racing thoughts. I haven't been diagnosed with bi-polar, but I wouldn't be surprised if that's what they call it. I would obsess over something I said, or did, worrying that I had upset someone, or looked stupid. I would obsess over what I saw as wrong doings toward myself or people I care about, to the point where I couldn't sleep. Nothing less than perfection in everything I did was acceptable, if I couldn't do it perfect then I was a failure, or it was better not to do it at all. How many opportunities did I miss out on because of all that?

Mornings were the worst, I would fixate on an issue, then be unable to get out of bed, for hours. The anxiety over the amount of effort it would take to get up was overwhelming. I would have a hard time working up the energy to take a shower, and most of the time was unkempt, hairy legs and only got cleaned up nice on those rare occasions when we were going out.

I would get into these horribly irrational fights with Steve, blaming him for every problem and failure I've ever had in my life. Getting so angry that I would break things, kick doors, pound on tables, it was horrible. That was often followed by feeling like I was the luckiest girl in the world, and everything was perfect. No middle ground, no gray area, my life was either completely in the shitter or completely wonderful.

The time has come to really get this all sorted out. Maybe it's as simple as taking Wellbutrin. I'm going to go into see a counselor anyway, can't hurt to spend some time on the crazy person couch. I've had blood tests, a complete physical, blah blah blah, and feel confident that we will keep at it until everything is all fixed up.

It's amazing to me that Steve has been able to put up with me all these years. I realize now that I wasn't in a stable frame of mind, I wasn't the "me" I was meant to be. But still, a person should only have to take so much. I'm lucky to have him.

The only thing I wish now, is that I had taken these steps years ago. What a waste of precious time. I was scared, scared of being told I was crazy, scared of being told there was nothing wrong with me and to stop being so melodramatic, scared of being "beige" or "vanilla" or boring because someone had told me the drugs mellow you out too much (which the prozac did). Fear and guilt are powerful things, they can keep you from moving forward. I'm so lucky that I didn't lose my family, my marriage, even my life from all of this.

Never again will I scoff at the terms "depression, anxiety, or obsessive". It's not something you can just decide to change, it's real, and it's ok to go get help. I'm glad I did.

The only side effects I am experiencing from the Wellbutrin are:
1- less of an appetite, which should help with the weight loss
2- a higher libido, which there's no way I'm going to complain about.
3- a slight ringing in my ears, but it's not too bad
4- I have to pee more often

Easy enough to live with all that stuff. My advice to anyone who suffers from depression or anxiety, go get help. There are medications and therapy out there that can make your life so much better. Everybody is different, it's all trial and error, but you can get answers, and you can get better.

Rough Week

Well, we finished week 3 of P90x with flair, but have been delayed starting week 4. It's all my fault. I'm not adjusting well to the meds, my period, extreme sadness, self medicating with alcohol that didn't mix with the new metabolism and meds...it's been a disaster. My self esteem is shot, I'm worried that I let down my new band before we even had our first rehearsal. The only upside is that I'm in such a mess that I have no appetite, and I've lost 5 pounds this week.

The morning anxiety seems to be escalating, I can't get to sleep at night, but can't seem to get any energy during the day. I keep reliving some bad moments during the drinking thing the other night, over and over and over in my head. I've been waking up in the night thinking there are people in the bedroom, scared and panicked, and I actually though I heard a voice say "Where were you last night"...it sounded so real. Am I cracking up? I just need to make it to Monday, to talk to the doctor, this is no way to live.

P90x day 19 - March 15th, 2010

Legs, back and abs...getting closer to doing a real for real pullup! Much better form, more reps, sweating like crazy, but didn't get sick to my stomach. The real improvement is in the ab work out, I'm not there yet, but getting closer to doing the whole thing.

Today was weigh in day for weightwatchers, and I'm at the same exact weight as last week. No loss at all, but no gain, so I guess that's a good thing. A pair of jeans that 3 weeks ago I wasn't even wearing, are now loose after a day's wear, and there is no "bloop" over the top of my pants. Next week we get to take pictures and measurements, I'm really REALLY anxious for that. Especially after a week of intense cardio.

Feeling great, so glad to be sticking with something, since I usually quit everything I start =) Steve is looking great too, but boy are we both pooped!

It's hard to know if I'm tired due to the medication of the work out, or the change in diet. Maybe I changed too much at once. But I do sleep a lot more now, which is the complete opposite of what I wanted. I need to call the doctor and check in.

P90x - day 18

Yesterday was a great work out day, bad food day... Today, I am on track with the diet, but only did 45 minutes of Yoga, 1/2 of the video. I don't know if it's my bitter disdain for the work out or the fact that I was sweating buckets and shaking that made me quit early. Probably a combination of both.

I've had a good weight watchers week, with 10 of my extra points left over, and 48 unused activity points. It will be interesting to see what the scale says in the morning. I can feel my body tightening, getting stronger, looking thinner and I suppose this is more important than the number on the scale at this point. I haven't lost track of the weight loss goal, but I can't get there unless I get into shape and build muscle. My poor body is probably still in shock trying to figure out what in the hell I am doing to it with an hour+ of working out every day.

All I need now is a shower, to shave my legs and get the sweat off my brow!

P90x - Day 17

Today's workout was outstanding! Arms, shoulders and abs. I found myself doing more and more, especially of the ab workout. The kids keep telling me how "skinny" I'm looking. Odd because the scale is moving downward VERY slowly...1.5 pounds in 3 weeks doesn't seem like much. I'll be interested to see the measurements on day 30.

I'll be honest I am not looking forward to yoga tomorrow, but am determined to do the entire work out. Yep, the WHOLE damned thing...yuck.

As for the meds. I feel so much calmer. I don't get these flaring spells of intense fury, I don't mind having to do extra things, the house is just plain staying nice and organized. Everyone seems at peace. There are two issues though, mornings and well a lack of energy for some of my most favored activities. I guess there is always a trade off.

P90x - Day 16

Plyometrics, my favorite workout.... but for some reason that even though my lungs and muscles were fine, my stomach wasn't so fine. I thought I was going to puke, and quit after 45 minutes...what a whimp =( Steve made it to the end.

This has been a rough week, almost rougher than the first week...I'm really hoping that next week is easier. On an up note, I wore a pair of skinny jeans tucked into tall boots that I couldn't even zip up over my calves a few weeks ago...so that's a good thing.

P90x - Day 15

Chest, back and abs. We got messed up on our off day, so today is catch up day. What we learned is that the rest day is where it is for a reason...and you can't move it round in the week. Our arms and shoulders are so tired an sore from yesterday's Kempo, that we really choked on today's work out. We won't do that again. Another BIG lesson, 1 hour isn't enough time after a meal before we work out on this plan. 2 hours minimum, we both felt like we were going to yack.

The good news? We did it, we made it through, we did as much as we did last week, maybe even a little more, even when we didn't feel like it. We're going to take pictures tomorrow morning, just for fun =)

P90x - days 8 - 13

Well, I'll admit I got a little off track this week. Saturday I skipped due to a long audition, no excuse, and I feel so bad about it. Sunday we only did about 35 , minutes of yoga due to Steve's hips, no excuse for me not to finish it. But damn I hate yoga. Monday, we skipped again due to steve helping Jonathan with his car. But, we started back up with legs on Tuesday, kempo today and we'll start week 3 tomorrow. That will put us right back on track.

Even with the lack luster performance this week, I managed to lose a pound and 2% body fat. My hips are slimming, my stomach is flattening, my thighs are getting tighter, my face thinner, the visual results are amazing. Each work out I do more than I did last week, incredible.

We're going to take 2 week pictures tomorrow, I think there is enough of a difference to justify a photo session.

As for the new meds, I'm on the fence. Parts of it are great. I'm more at ease, not so annoyed with everyone, less fighting, more organized and more productive. But, just like I'm not as upset about things, I'm not as excited about things either. It cuts both ways, and I'm not convinced it's worth it. Life in the middle is kind of...dull, vanilla, beige. We'll see.

P90x - Day 8 Back and Chest take 2

So yeah, my shoulders are so friggin sore that I feel like my arms could completely separate from my body....but we did the work out anyway! Somehow I managed to do more reps than last week. This 4th time through Ab Ripper, and I was able to do some of every single exercise. Even though I feel like this week was harder, I have to realize that I did MORE! Both the kids, and Steve have told me that the first week made a visible difference in my body...could that really be true? My jeans are looser, and I don't have the bloopy thing over the top of my pants when I wear a t-shirt, but I'm afraid to believe it could be true....but I think it is!! woohoo!!

Eighty-two days to go! woot!!

P90x - Day 7 - Rest (thank GOD)

Ok, steps up or down are a bitch today. Putting on and taking off shirts is a bitch. I am so freaking sore! But I'm not complaining, because I know this pain means I worked my ass off this week. It's crazy, but my jeans are already looser. Is the diet? The work out? The prozac? who knows, maybe a combination of the three. Whatever it is, even with the pain I feel better already. 83 more days, I am so excited knowing each day we are doing what it takes to reach the goal.

Back at it tomorrow to start week #2. I think it will be easier since we are both over our colds now, or maybe we can just work harder!

P90x-Day6 Kenpo? Kempo? Something like that...

11:45am - Mornings are still rough for me. Even though I am getting up earlier, I still find myself feeling anxious and nervous at the start of the day. Steve is getting better at recognizing when it's more than just wanting to sleep in a little extra and has found a gentle way to encourage me out of bed. I hope the medication will kick in and take the edge off this challenge for me. Night time has become a pleasant time of letting my mind wind down, and getting to sleep without having to be completely exhausted, so something is happening. I feel so much more at ease & am feeling hopeful.

Today's workout has to be done solo. Steve is already off to work, and I will be leaving for an audition before he gets home. I'm already starting to feel a difference in the way my body feels. I'm sore, but feeling tighter, more in control, more aware of my muscles and posture. My appetite is less. Who knows if it's from the prozac or if it's will power. I don't really care, whatever works to get me closer to the goal.

10:15pm
woowee, we finished day 6 at around 9:15. I went straight to the shower, redfaced and legs hurting all the way up the steps, but we did it! Tomorrow is a rest/stretch day, week one is pretty much in the bag. 84 days to go!

Oh and Mackenzie told me I look skinny today, yeah, it was only the fact that my super sports bra was smooshing boobs down so I looked thinner, but I'll take it.

P90x - Day 5 Legs, Back and Abs

Well, the head cold is subsiding finally. After a nice relaxing morning, and a nap this afternoon, Steve and I went forward with day 5. I was able to do at least some of every move, even the ab work out. Only 10 - 15 reps, less on the pull ups, and still using a chair for the pullups, but it's an improvement from the first day for sure. Once fully recovered from the head cold, I'm guessing I will look forward to the work outs rather than dreading them.

I've got to do day 6 on my own tomorrow, as Steve has to work and I have an audition tomorrow evening. I have high hopes for the audition, and of course low expectations. Eventually I will find a place that fits just right, in the mean time, I'm going to do what makes me feel good.

I'm 1 week into the prozac, and I'm finding it much easier to get to sleep at night, but still struggling some to get out of bed in the morning. The real test will come next week, the week before my period. It may be too soon to see any difference, and it may not make a difference at all, but I sure hope so.