Women, can't live with em, can't kill em....

The Bridge
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I , and all men, could understand women;
I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries,
what she means when she says nothing's wrong,
why she snaps and complains when I try to help,
and how I can make a woman truly happy.


God replied:
'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Thanks for the joke, Diana, that about sums it up. Women are a mystery to men, their children, themselves and each other. Why do we do the messed up crazy things we do? Where do we come up with these hairbrained ideas? What makes us torture ourselves to be "beautiful"? How can we then turn on a dime and be the most understanding, nurturing and loving being on the planet? We terrorize our families with our mood swings, but if it came down to it, we would lay down our own lives to save them if we had to. We are vicious fighters & passionate lovers. We are one ginormous messed up wonderful contradiction after another.

Personally, I love being a woman. I enjoy most of what comes with the package of being a girl. We get to get our hair done, we get to wear make up, dress up, look pretty, flirt with the boys, plus we have BOOBS (hell that one fact alone makes it pretty neat to be a chick). We get to be mothers and wives, we get the door opened for us, we don't have to change a tire unless we really want to. We can get the big strong boys to squish spiders and lift big things for us. Being a woman is pretty neat.

Being a woman in America is especially nice. We can go to school, get good jobs, we can vote, we are on equal footing with our male counterparts (yeah yeah, you feminists will argue that we are ever so oppressed still, but I call the bullshit flag on that.) Living here has afforded my husband the opportunities at a good enough job so that I can stay home, take care of the kids, take care of him, support his career, and be a musician without the stress of having to make a living at it. Whatever path a woman chooses in this country is possible, if that's big career goals, part time career goals, being a kept woman (my career path of choice), anything we want is there for the taking. I think that's pretty sweet.

Of course there are the downsides...

I don't blame men for wondering if they can trust something that bleeds for a week every month and doesn't die. Surely Steve has had many fantasies of murdering me in my sleep when I am on my PMS tirades. Trust me, it' s no picnic for us either. I hate being a raving lunatic bitch, but I just can't help myself sometimes...deal with it. I can make it a LOT worse if I so choose.

The beauty regiment can be time consuming, expensive and down right brutal. Hair removal should be listed under illegal torture. Need information from a terrorist? Give him half a bikini wax, and threaten him with the other side, he will tell you whatever you want. There's absolutely no good way to get rid of chin & lip hair, and I think it's pretty shitty that the older you get the more you have to rip off your face. We must cover our grays, shave our legs, keep the girly parts groomed, pluck endlessly, moisturize, exfoliate & control our wrinkles.

Clothing? Who ever decided that stiletto heels were a good idea should be taken out behind the barn and beaten with a willow branch. But I wear them, I like the way they make my butt look. Finding the right bra, jeans or bathing suit is impossible without full blown anxiety attacks. The clothing manufacturers need to realize that we are not all 7 feet tall, with the physique of a 12 year old boy. We have curves, please start making clothes that celebrate the our jiggly parts (I got that from Niecy Nash, love her).

Speaking of our "jiggly parts". Who ever said that having some meat on our bones was a bad thing? Poll 100 men and I bet the majority of them would choose a voluptuous woman over a skeleton any day. We must take care of our selves, be fit and healthy, but come on, we don't all want to be an anorexic size 2. Besides, I like to eat.

Is anyone else really bitter with Eve? She totally mucked things up for the rest of us. No self control, she just HAD to have the apple. I plan on giving her a piece of my mind when I get to heaven. There's TONS of other fruits out there, she couldn't choose one of those? Even the first woman didn't deal well with being told she couldn't have something. We just love to rebel and do whatever the hell we want anyway. Might as well, the damage is already done. Still, I would have gone without apples forever to not have a period or not have to push out a watermelon sized child out an opening the size of a grape. Just saying, that was really inconsiderate of her, but typically female.

A woman can be your best friend when she loves you, or your absolute worst enemy when she's pissed off. We have the ability to hold grudges for eternity, or to forgive completely. It's kind of unpredictable, so... too bad, you'll just have to wait and see what happens, cause she isn't going to do anything until she's damned good and ready.

Even with our flaws, we are pretty amazing creatures. We can grow a whole person inside our bellies, and that is frigging amazing. We are soft and sweet, exciting and mysterious, smart & fun. Celebrate your womanhood, ladies, bask in it, it's a wonderful gift.

Men, take some time to stand back and really look at the woman in your life. Look past her irrational emotional outbreaks & the nagging and really LOOK at who she is. She is your best friend, she loves you & your children, she would kill & die for you, she is your soft place to land, she is the one who holds you accountable, keeps you in line, and helps you reach your fullest potential. More than likely she takes care of your laundry, your food intake, & your home. After you take that long hard look at the one you love, make sure you tell her "Thank You"... it's a simple thing, but it will mean the world to her. (Plus that kinda stuff really helps if you're trying to get lucky, lol)

Hopefully this cleared up a few things about women and gave you a new appreciation for them =)