I use the terms in the title loosely, because I think both of them are total bullshit descriptions of moms. There is no clear distinction between these two "groups" of women. A mom is not exclusively a member of one or the other, there is way too much gray area between the two. Honestly, I think some women on both sides of the coin need to get off their high and mighty horses, get over themselves, and practice a little understanding.
I suppose I would be classified in the first category, since I do not have a paying job, with a boss and regular hours and all that stuff. (I much prefer the terms "Domestic Goddess" or "Kept Woman" they somehow sound more glamorous). I have been told I'm spoiled, that I have never had a real job, that I need to grow up and stop letting Steve take care of me, that I "don't know what it's like". *sigh, I refuse to justify my choices to these people, and usually just smile and walk away, but this one time I will defend myself.
First off, I am spoiled in a way, because we are fortunate enough that we had the choice whether I would work outside the home or not. But I recognize that the ability to choose is a wonderful privilege. I would have been plenty capable and willing to have a job and career if that's what we felt was best for our family, or if I hadn't had a choice. I'm sure there are plenty of women out their working and busting their asses when they would rather be home with their kids if they could be.
Secondly, yes I have had real jobs in the past. I started working at the age of 13, and often worked 2 jobs in the summer. This girl wasn't born with any kind of silver spoon in her mouth. I was either a full time student, or working full time right up until we had Mackenzie, and have had stints of working since then. Steve's job is demanding, stressful, and it worked out better for us that I take care of the kids and home so he could concentrate on being as successful as possible in his career. It must have worked because he IS very successful with a promising future to move even further ahead in his job. I have just as much invested in his career as he does.
Grow up? well...what is that exactly? Am I a grown up when I am working and getting a pay check? Am I a grown up when I am taking care of my family & doing what we feel is best for us? Beats me, I guess I'm a grown up now, but I certainly have a TON of growing up to do yet. Does that process ever really stop? Aren't we always growing and improving ourselves? If we're not, we should be.
How long am I going to let Steve "take care of me". Well, if that means financially, then the answer would be" forever", I guess. But, I take pretty damn good care of him too. I pay the bills, clean the house, do the shopping, cook, do the laundry, keep track of our schedules and a ton of other parental/married person/responsible adult type things. He pretty much has to go to work, and come home to relax. If there's anything extra that I need help with, I ask, but that's rare. Oh, and he takes out the trash & pumps my gas, my girly self hates those 2 smelly jobs. If I were a working mom, all these things would still need to be done, and would probably be split equally between Steve and I. Our workload is split pretty much down the middle now.
It's true, I don't "know what it's like" to juggle a full time job with a family. But, on the flip side, moms who work don't "know what it's like" to stay home. It gets lonely, it's harder to make friends, it's easy to become out of touch with the world or let yourself go, and you end up talking to your dogs like they are actual people.
That's the problem in a nutshell. There are pros and cons to each. The trick is to figure out what works best in YOUR life, and not have an opinion about what someone else chooses.
Some women really love their jobs, and love to work. That's awsome! Go for it, women can have fantastically successful careers in America.
Some women know their limitations and wouldn't be able to handle being home all day with their brood. Well, good for them for knowing themselves well enough to leave their children in the hands of a caregiver who LOVES to be with their kids all day long. That mom can come home in the evening and give her kids her very best during the time they are together. It's much better than being home all day miserable, and making the kids miserable.
Some women have no choice and must work. These days it's hard to make it even when both parents are working. Kudos to you moms for doing what you need to do to make sure your family is taken care of, whether you want to work or not, you do it because it's what needs to be done.
It makes me so mad when some of these stay home moms accuse working moms of neglecting their children, and make claims that thier kids are "so much better off because I stay home". Here comes the bullshit flag again. Please, children of working moms turn out just fine. If anything, they learn better coping & social skills, and are more independent than a kid who is hovered over until they move out. My sister works full time, and travels 14 weeks out of the year and her kid is the picture of a stable, independent, smart 4 year old.
Then there's the stay home moms who claim that they work "just as hard" if not harder, than full time working moms. Ladies, get a grip, please. All the stuff moms at home do, still needs to be done at the home of a working mom. No one is going to fire us if we don't get the laundry done by Friday. We don't have to worry about losing our jobs. We don't have to take a shower and get all done up for work every day, and nobody cares if we accidentally sleep in. Yes, being a stay home mom has it's stresses, and it's a lot of work, but "just as hard"...I just can't buy into that one. I'd be working a hell of a lot harder if I had to do what I do with 40 less hours in a week.
Women like me, we fall somewhere in the middle. I love being a mom, I love taking care of my house and family, but I still need to have something of my own. So, I am a part time musician. This barely pays for itself, and contributes next to nothing financially to our household, but I am fulfilling a need I have for myself. Some would argue that my being gone on the weekend evenings, working in a bar, is not a good example, but, it's better than sitting home bitter, resentful and regretful because I didn't get to live out my dream. Which would be more harmful to my children in reality? Other moms might like to volunteer, coach, or an endless list of things that don't pay off financially but give their lives meaning outside the family.
Some women just plain live to be a mom, and their dream has come true that they can stay home, be a homemaker, be PTA president, scout leader and soccer mom extraordinaire. Another wonderful and completely acceptable choice. I bow down to these super moms, for sure! I could never pull it off.
Some women home school and don't want their kids in public school. That's cool, if you've got the patience to home school your kids, and feel it is what is best, go for it. But don't judge those of us who send our kids to public school. We're not sending them to some dangerous and horrible place where they won't get an education, and will end up on drugs, in gangs, pregnant and in prison. Public school moms could just as easily say you are sheltering your kids too much from the outside world, killing their social lives, and they're going to have trouble when they are on their own out in the big bad real world. (I don't believe that at ALL, but hey, you can't have big opinions about other people's lives unless you are willing to accept that others will have big opinions about yours). Besides, I went to publik skool, so did most peeple I no, and a lot of us have terned out jus fine. (sorry, couldn't resist, lol)
As a "stay home mom" I hate it when I get that look of pity from a working mom. Like it's so sad that I didn't have a career. I could give an equally misguided look of pity to her that she has to work and slave away at a real job and be away from her family so much. I would never give that look though, honestly I don't really care either way. Whatever floats yer boat.
I could go on and on about the stupid things some women say about other women's career choices, but here's my point. There is no right or wrong answer. We all must figure out what's best for ourselves and our families. The most important things are that we make the best of the time we have with our kids, make sure we are providing them with love, stability & the necessities of life. Isn't that all we can do? There is no clear cut definition for these things, and the fanatical extremists, on BOTH sides, who think their way is the only way need to keep their noses out of other people's business.
So, to ALL you moms out there. Be proud of yourself, whether you work full time, part time, not at all, volunteer, work from home, travel, or any variation of all of these. Your family will be the best off when you are doing what works best for YOU, when you are making decisions with your partner, supporting each other, and most of all doing all of it with love. Moms of all kinds are the hardest working beings on the planet, and we need to support each other's right to choose the path that works best for us.
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