It's this double standard upon which I judge myself that I am really working on changing. I can just as easily convince myself that a crowd is annoyed that I am on stage, laughing at me, pointing out my every mistake, and generally not enjoying themselves. There is a certain amount of arrogance in thinking everyone in the room is watching so intently simply to mock me. And honestly, a certain amount of disrespect or lack of appreciation on my part for them being there. This line of thinking gets me too far in my head, creates panic, and becomes that self fulfilling prophecy, and my performance starts to stink up the place. (at least in my head)
When I walk in to see friends play, I can easily tell myself they are only being nice to me because they want another person at their show, not necessarily wanting ME at their show...again a totally irrational and unfounded way of thinking, because my friends are great, and I know in my heart that they are genuine. All of this applies to my non musician friends too, btw.
So, this is the mind I'm stuck with.... paranoid, irrational, and often times skewed. Maybe it's part of the Bi-Polar, maybe it's just the coping skills I have created, maybe it's lack of confidence. No matter what it is, even if it's just the way I am hard wired, I believe I can learn to recognize these skewed thoughts and purposefully change my reaction to them. I can purposefully retrain myself to have more positive conversations with the voices in my head.
I am starting to see that I have thought so little of myself for so long, that I refused to accept that others might actually like me. It's a new idea to me but, people might really want to have me as a friend, and by golly, I may actually be worthy of having these relationships. I have kept myself isolated from truly becoming close with people, not because I didn't want friends, but I just couldn't imagine that they really want ME as a friend.
Now, this is not me feeling sorry for myself, or looking for reassurance, this is me having a moment of clarity. I haven't liked myself, so I could not accept that others might like me, because I felt truly unlikable. I often times will get home from spending time with friends and replay the entire night's conversations to make sure I didn't say something offensive, or hurtful, or stupid that I might need to apologize for. I berate myself for what ever offenses I think I committed, and by the time I am done in my head, I am sure I have ruined any chance of them wanting to see me again.
Here is what is becoming to clear to me. My perception of myself needs to change. I need to listen to Pink's new song "Fucking Perfect" about a billion times, and take those words to heart:
You're so mean when you talk
about yourself, you were wrong
change the voices, in your head
make them like you instead...
I have to accept that I really am Fucking Perfect...or as perfect as I can be in this moment. I don't have to make any changes to fit in, or be accepted. Any changes that I am making need to be for me, so that I can move forward with MY vision for my life. By doing this, I will be a better friend, a better wife, and a better mother...and I will be happier doing it. I have to love me for me, and be willing to accept that there are those in the world who love me just like I am, and will love me even more when I am fully engaged in the relationships. Oh, and I have to believe that they will love me anyway, even if I do mess up...on the flip side of that, I need to be willing to love others even when they mess up. IF it's a relationship that is meaningful, forgiveness is deserved on both sides.
I also have to learn to purge the people that ended up not being a good fit...and I mean fully purge. There are a fair amount of people that just didn't gel in my life. Which happens, people come and go, not everyone sticks, and friends are hard to come by sometimes. I need to learn that dwelling on the hurt, or disappointment that a friendship didn't last is wasting time. Not everyone is going to like me, and that's ok. It doesn't mean I am flawed, or that it was a defect in my personality (or theirs) that made it happen. Maybe it was them, or maybe we are just incompatible. I have to learn not to take it personal, drop it, move on, and surround myself with the friends that do stick =)
So, here's the deal. I haven't been "seeing the forest for the trees". I haven't allowed myself to make North Carolina my home. I have kept everyone at arms length. Mostly, I haven't been aware that the friends I've been looking for are already here. I am truly blessed to have met some really cool people, and holy crap, they actually like me too! (I know this sounds kind of stupid, but it really is a revelation to me).
I appreciate each and every one of you that are in my life now. Those who aren't anymore, well we gave it a go, and I am no longer going to let you take up space in my head. Don't take it personal, and neither will I, some people just don't mix.
So, my friends, when I see you walk into a show and I am smiling... I want you to know that I am genuinely glad to see you, and so appreciate you coming out. When I walk in to your show, I am genuinely glad to see you, and I am going to open my heart and believe that when you smile at me from the stage, you are happy to see me too. I am going to accept your friendship fully, and allow myself to feel like I am worthy of it. I am going to knock down the defensive wall I have had built around myself, and let the love flood in. In knocking down that wall, I can also free myself up to be a better friend to all of you.
How do you perceive yourself? How do you think others see you? Are you wearing a mask and trying to fit in so you are accepted, or are you being yourself and finding people who like you just the way you are? Are you truly letting people in? Are you allowing yourself to truly care about others? My past answers to these questions explain why I have not had the friendships I so desired. My NEW answers to these questions are going to allow me to recognize that those friendships have been there all along. What are YOUR answers telling you?
Here is a link to Pink's song "Fucking Perfect". This is a brutal video, but watch it, feel the pain, let the emotion take you over...cry, it's ok. I guarantee you will feel filled with joy at the end of it. But mostly, know that YOU are fucking perfect too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U5BpS44bzA0&feature=related
Much love,
Shannon
There are those who stick even when it is necessary for them to fade away from your sight. You may not see them, but they remain nonetheless.
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