NOW where the hell have I been....

I get so damned busy, I forget about this blog for months at a time.  September...Geez, it's friggin' March!

Update:

Acoustic project is going gangbusters...

CD will be finished by June 22nd (have a show in Nashville..woohoo!!)

Tantrum is doing great

House had a flood, and is being remodeled (I should have blogged through some of those wine induced rants...) Carpet goes in tomorrow.

Kids are doing great.

Steve is doing great.

I still don't weigh 125 pounds, but one can dream =) I feel fantastical.  More on that another day.

My bi-polar is manageable at this point with meds, and all the therapy, and I've never been happier.

Basically life is good, I have a wonderful & growing circle of friends, and things are falling into place nicely.  It just took a little longer than expected since moving to Charlotte.

I'll try to stay in touch better.

Shannon Lee

Where The Hell Have I Been?

You know, I had given up on writing here.  Not entirely sure why.  I guess I had given up on about everything the beginning of 2012.

Things have changed a lot in the last 9 months.  For the good, and I'm feeling that my snarky smart ass self needs to start making an appearance here more often!

Quick overview until I have more time:

*January 1 - Life completely in the shitter, wanting to move out of Charlotte as soon as possible

*Sometime between Jan 1 and Jan ? - Answer an ad looking for a singer.  I had sworn I would never answer another one again in my life, but I was compelled.  Said ad was put out by the dude who books Amici's,  Jody Edwards,  and he gave me the date of Jan 12 for my first acoustic solo show.  I also decided to give his band a go.

*Sometime between said phone call and Jan 12 - found a bass player to play first show with me

*Jan. 12 - Did first show with John Shaughnessy on stand up bass, and Jody sat in with us.  I was a disaster because of other things that night... but we made it through, and thus started a wonderful acoustic career.

*Jan 29 - First rehearsal with TANTRUM (band in the ad...)  For the first time since moving here, everything I heard on the phone was true, and I decided this was the band to give it one more try.

*Between Jan 29 and now:  

-Band has had it's ups and downs, but it is going GREAT!! New bookings, new fans, and all kinds of excitement there.  

-The acoustic shows are booking more and more and more, taking off, and helping me establish my brand here in Charlotte.  

-Working with Carolina Sessions doing interviews with bands (totally out of my element, but its big fun learning a new skill set)

-Most of all, I am finally getting a true handle on myself.  Taking the reigns of my own life, living it for myself, so I can be better for those who rely on me.  

-My family is healthy and happy.

there it is in a nutshell.

LOTS more to update expound on I suppose.  My battles with my mental issues continue, and not everything is all rainbows and unicorns, but... overall, life is great, and getting better all the time.

Talk to ya again real soon!

Memorial Day Weekend Magic Moments =)

Wow, what a day we had yesterday. I LOVE to entertain and have parties. We do a couple a year. I love the cooking, the organizing, the preparing, and the event itself. We had several musicians here from 5 different bands. friends from different factions of our life and their kids. It was so neat to watch them all mix and mingle.

The food was amazing. The drinks were tasty tasty. The flies...were quite frankly a pain in the ass. We tried the pennies in a bag of water thing...we were so hopeful when it looked like it was going to work, but alas..no. We are still killing the little suckers today. My floor is littered with the fly carnage, and my OCD hasn't really kicked in to start disinfecting....yet =)

Some especially neat happenings:

-Listening and watching the guys playing music together. It was fun to see them just start a song, and everyone else kick in. I loved it. Musicians playing just for the fun of it. We all love to get paid, but as we all know, the money is for loading the equipment, setting up & tearing down, the music is free. My friend Rob had a saying "we'd put the quarter in a pay toilet and play in there if it was all that was available" It's probably true, hehe. I hope I never have to test the theory.

-Letting the kids sing. Jonathan's daughters sang, Delaney sang... what fun to foster the next generation of entertainers.

-Watching Nathan and Shelby was great. I wish I could read their little minds and know what they were thinking as they stared at each other through the glass.

-like father like son

-My neighbor that I didn't think liked me, and I didn't think I liked her either, coming over for a drink and telling me that she really enjoyed the music. I was so worried she would complain or call the cops. Maybe she's not so bad after all, and maybe I should make the effort to get to know her better.

-My teens and Shaun's teens being engrossed in a game of cards about 15 minutes after meeting.

-Last but not least...my ice dispenser/crusher started working after 3 years. I don't know what kind of voodoo magic happened, but WOOHOO. I have missed my crushed ice and that single event will get me drinking a ton more water.

Let's see what else... ah yes, my little wiener dog followed me everywhere, no matter where I went, there she was. She was great, after she got done barking at everyone. She did leave my side long enough to get Nathan to run so she could chase him. Chase is her favorite, and he seemed to understand it was a game, so he played along, giggling the whole time.

So I am looking at the mess, which isn't bad at all, and all I see is the good time had by all. I usually freak out at least 1 time when getting ready for a party and I clean up the mess immediately. But I took everything in stride yesterday, no stress, no snapping at those trying to help me get ready. It's nearly 2pm the day after, and all we have done is pick up the trash and put the empties in the recycle bin. The counters are still sticky, the dishes are in the sink not even rinsed off, there are still bags of chips out, the pop cases are still sitting on the floor, the chairs and canopy are still outside...and I could care less. I am going to enjoy my day, it will get done when it gets done. This is another indication that the meds are starting to work their medical magic.

So thank you everyone for making our weekend fantastic. Thank you for coming, thank you for the food, thank you for the drinks, thank you for the music, thank you for taking pictures with my camera for me, thank you for being so freaking cool, and thank you so much for being our friends. I was starting to get it in my head that I hate it here in Charlotte, but spending time with all of you lately has made me realize that you have embraced us with open arms, and it is feeling like we are supposed to be here after all.

Painfully Wonderful Enlightenment - Learning the truth

As I do more research, get deeper into therapy and watch more documentaries, I am discovering that I have been suffering with depression, anxiety, extreme anger, mania and other mood issues for my entire life. I remember as early as the age of 8 not caring if I died. I am remembering more and more episodes that today might have been diagnosed as early onset bi-polar. For the past few years I knew something was wrong, but I avoided treatment because I didn't want to be a zombie and lose my creative edge. I also was afraid of the truth.

Little did I know that all of this reached far deeper and affected my life much more than I ever could have known. As I watch others, I recognize more and more behaviors in my self. Watching children with bi-polar I feel like I am watching myself as a child on the television. The difference is that in the 70s there was no education for parents, mental issues came with sever stigma, and were considered an excuse for bad behavior. My parents often categorized me as hyper, difficult, impossible, and usually I ended up getting a whooping for my "misbehavior". It was never even considered that I had a problem I could not control. I remember extreme bouts of anger, extreme sadness, staying in my room in the dark for days after school, doing anything I could to get out of even going to school, stealing things, being unable to concentrate, an extremely vivid imagination, sexual urges even at a young age (this is a whole other thing that I am not ready to speak on openly), extreme fear of things, making up stories that I would convince myself were real, being horribly jealous and mean to my younger siblings...the list goes on.

Into my adolescence, the sexual urges were overwhelming, and I was active young. Extreme anxiety, not being able to pay attention in school, not being able to sleep at night, not being able to stay awake in class, obsession with playing music, this unstoppable urge to be involved in music and the theater, extreme belief that I deserved all the performance opportunities because I was convinced I was so superior to others, extreme anger then sadness over not getting my way, extreme guilt over being such a disturbance in my family, depression, frustration, and finally a completely debilitating break down when I was about 15 or 16. All of this was made worse by parents who didn't understand and therefore punished me with restrictions, it was a horrible spiral into the abyss. Meeting and falling in love with Steve was a turning point for me. I felt worth something to someone, and all those good feelings pulled me out of the snowball I was in, I was saved from rolling down the mountain, crashing and crumbling.

As young adult, I would go for days without showering, wouldn't clean my house for weeks, then all of a sudden stay up for however long it took to get it pristine and clean. I would have such extreme anxiety in college that at one point I actually passed out at a recital. Eventually the depression took me over and I just quit school, gave up. When Mackenzie was born, she had colic, cried 12 hours a day, my mother in law thought I was starving her, I was under pressure to do things differently than my instinct told me, and again the anxiety and depression took me away from the excitement of what should have been a magical time. This was made worse by Steve being very self absorbed at that time, and neither of us knowing why I was the way I was....we moved when Mackenzie was 18 months old, I was 5 months pregnant with delaney, no friends, Steve was involved with work, 4 hours from family, and again I missed out on what should have been a wonderful time. I was so sad, hopeless and miserable...

I went through a time of extreme mania that lasted about 4-5 years when I was having huge success with a home business and a thriving band. I felt unstoppable, on top of the world, bigger than life. I took huge risks. I did things I would normally never do, I drank, experimented with drugs, separated myself from my family, felt entitled to everything I was doing, hurt people without a second thought and fought hard against anyone I felt was trying to hold me down or take it all away. I would have huge outbursts of anger that resulted in me breaking things, every door on our house had holes kicked in them. When I realized that I was being destructive, I quit the band and my business. That sent me into a 2-3 year bout with depression. I rarely got out of bed, rarely took a shower, didn't clean the house or cook much, and I didn't care if I lived or died. Again, Steve and I were uneducated. He was simply resentful and mad at me and I was paralyzed with guilt. We were clueless as to why.

I can see where my life has been a roller coaster of depression often made worse by events that I couldn't control, then these high points and bouts of rage that were often just as damaging and traumatic. There were very good "normal times" in there too, sometimes long periods, but the episodes always came back.

Things didn't improve upon moving to Charlotte, though the preparation for the move did shoot me into a manic state where I was obsessed with doing everything on my own for the move, I was CERTAIN this was the answer, finally things would be better for SURE. Once we arrived, my failure to find a music project, many disappointments, and everything that comes along with a big move overwhelmed me again. I started having trouble getting out of bed in the morning, not being able to get to sleep at night, overwhelming sexual needs, obsession with the house being perfect... I was cycling fast between depression and anxiety, every day, sometimes back and forth with in hours. The fighting started with Steve again, and I was ready to leave, he was ready to leave... I started drinking more again, and even had a couple bouts with suicidal thoughts. Things were getting out of control fast. Steve finally took it upon himself to do what I could not do and got me to the doctor, he saved me again.

No one in my life, nor I had the education or tools to properly deal with all of these things. There was no controlling it and no getting over it. I have learned that this is a biological imbalance, a condition as real as cancer, diabetes, or arthritis... The only way out of it is treatment and knowing what to do during an episode. At 40 I am finally doing that. Medication, therapy, research and learning.

It is difficult to have to face more and more exactly how extensive this hidden and undiscovered disorder has affected my life, my husband's life, the lives of my children and countless others that have had a brush with me over the years. It makes me so sad. I wish I could have those years back. Where would I be now? What more would I have accomplished? How much hurt could have been avoided?

I can't answer these questions, and I can't change the past. While I find it difficult to stop dwelling on that past, I find extreme comfort in finally talking to doctors who are telling me what is wrong with me, validating what I tell them, treating me and helping me gain the skills I have so sorely been lacking my entire life. I don't feel so alone, isolated or like I am just plain an incurably bad person.

I have so much more discovery, learning, reconnecting, reconciliation, and coming to terms to do. Sometimes it feels like a mountain I won't be able to climb. With therapy, medication, love, education, music and acceptance I believe I will be able to find a more normal and happy life that I didn't even know existed. I wrote a song during a particularly bad low last week. I am much better today. I have been reaching out to some female friends for girl time, I am putting myself out there for another music project, I have dedicated myself to being prepared to go solo if things fall apart, we are having a party, and I am trying to keep from sliding into the high. So far I feel like things are even, maybe the mood stabilizers are working. Staying strong, moving forward, and working through the setbacks, it's all I can do. All that and also writing and sharing these experiences. Getting it out is a whole other form of therapy. If I have to go through all this, maybe it is so that I can shed some light, give someone else the courage to get help, and maybe let someone else know they are not alone.

Fucking Perfect - a change in personal perception

When I am on stage, and someone I know walks in the door, I am genuinely happy to see them. It warms my heart to know that they made the special effort to come see me. Until last night, it never occurred to me, that when I go to see my friends play music, that they just might feel the same way towards me.

It's this double standard upon which I judge myself that I am really working on changing. I can just as easily convince myself that a crowd is annoyed that I am on stage, laughing at me, pointing out my every mistake, and generally not enjoying themselves. There is a certain amount of arrogance in thinking everyone in the room is watching so intently simply to mock me. And honestly, a certain amount of disrespect or lack of appreciation on my part for them being there. This line of thinking gets me too far in my head, creates panic, and becomes that self fulfilling prophecy, and my performance starts to stink up the place. (at least in my head)

When I walk in to see friends play, I can easily tell myself they are only being nice to me because they want another person at their show, not necessarily wanting ME at their show...again a totally irrational and unfounded way of thinking, because my friends are great, and I know in my heart that they are genuine. All of this applies to my non musician friends too, btw.

So, this is the mind I'm stuck with.... paranoid, irrational, and often times skewed. Maybe it's part of the Bi-Polar, maybe it's just the coping skills I have created, maybe it's lack of confidence. No matter what it is, even if it's just the way I am hard wired, I believe I can learn to recognize these skewed thoughts and purposefully change my reaction to them. I can purposefully retrain myself to have more positive conversations with the voices in my head.

I am starting to see that I have thought so little of myself for so long, that I refused to accept that others might actually like me. It's a new idea to me but, people might really want to have me as a friend, and by golly, I may actually be worthy of having these relationships. I have kept myself isolated from truly becoming close with people, not because I didn't want friends, but I just couldn't imagine that they really want ME as a friend.

Now, this is not me feeling sorry for myself, or looking for reassurance, this is me having a moment of clarity. I haven't liked myself, so I could not accept that others might like me, because I felt truly unlikable. I often times will get home from spending time with friends and replay the entire night's conversations to make sure I didn't say something offensive, or hurtful, or stupid that I might need to apologize for. I berate myself for what ever offenses I think I committed, and by the time I am done in my head, I am sure I have ruined any chance of them wanting to see me again.

Here is what is becoming to clear to me. My perception of myself needs to change. I need to listen to Pink's new song "Fucking Perfect" about a billion times, and take those words to heart:

You're so mean when you talk

about yourself, you were wrong

change the voices, in your head

make them like you instead...

I have to accept that I really am Fucking Perfect...or as perfect as I can be in this moment. I don't have to make any changes to fit in, or be accepted. Any changes that I am making need to be for me, so that I can move forward with MY vision for my life. By doing this, I will be a better friend, a better wife, and a better mother...and I will be happier doing it. I have to love me for me, and be willing to accept that there are those in the world who love me just like I am, and will love me even more when I am fully engaged in the relationships. Oh, and I have to believe that they will love me anyway, even if I do mess up...on the flip side of that, I need to be willing to love others even when they mess up. IF it's a relationship that is meaningful, forgiveness is deserved on both sides.

I also have to learn to purge the people that ended up not being a good fit...and I mean fully purge. There are a fair amount of people that just didn't gel in my life. Which happens, people come and go, not everyone sticks, and friends are hard to come by sometimes. I need to learn that dwelling on the hurt, or disappointment that a friendship didn't last is wasting time. Not everyone is going to like me, and that's ok. It doesn't mean I am flawed, or that it was a defect in my personality (or theirs) that made it happen. Maybe it was them, or maybe we are just incompatible. I have to learn not to take it personal, drop it, move on, and surround myself with the friends that do stick =)

So, here's the deal. I haven't been "seeing the forest for the trees". I haven't allowed myself to make North Carolina my home. I have kept everyone at arms length. Mostly, I haven't been aware that the friends I've been looking for are already here. I am truly blessed to have met some really cool people, and holy crap, they actually like me too! (I know this sounds kind of stupid, but it really is a revelation to me).

I appreciate each and every one of you that are in my life now. Those who aren't anymore, well we gave it a go, and I am no longer going to let you take up space in my head. Don't take it personal, and neither will I, some people just don't mix.

So, my friends, when I see you walk into a show and I am smiling... I want you to know that I am genuinely glad to see you, and so appreciate you coming out. When I walk in to your show, I am genuinely glad to see you, and I am going to open my heart and believe that when you smile at me from the stage, you are happy to see me too. I am going to accept your friendship fully, and allow myself to feel like I am worthy of it. I am going to knock down the defensive wall I have had built around myself, and let the love flood in. In knocking down that wall, I can also free myself up to be a better friend to all of you.

How do you perceive yourself? How do you think others see you? Are you wearing a mask and trying to fit in so you are accepted, or are you being yourself and finding people who like you just the way you are? Are you truly letting people in? Are you allowing yourself to truly care about others? My past answers to these questions explain why I have not had the friendships I so desired. My NEW answers to these questions are going to allow me to recognize that those friendships have been there all along. What are YOUR answers telling you?

Here is a link to Pink's song "Fucking Perfect". This is a brutal video, but watch it, feel the pain, let the emotion take you over...cry, it's ok. I guarantee you will feel filled with joy at the end of it. But mostly, know that YOU are fucking perfect too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U5BpS44bzA0&feature=related

Much love,

Shannon

Uncharted Territory

3 months since I have written... too long. But the last three months have been filled with some dark moments, and I just haven't had anything positive to write about. That being said, things are looking up.

Last year, I made a feeble attempt at getting my mental health issues worked out. A feel good medication, and a therapist that I didn't connect with. It was better than before, but I have come to realize not as good as it can get. After some intense episodes of rage, sorrow and fear... Steve took the bull by the horns and got me in with an actual phycologist last week. Sometimes I wonder if these blogs get too personal, but I figure 25 years of this bullshit is long enough, and if I have let it go on, maybe some of you are letting it go on. I want to share my journey to better living so that maybe even just one person will have the courage to seek help too.

I suppose I keep my issues well hidden from most. I can put on the happy mask, and parade around like my life is all rainbows and unicorns. But deep inside, I feel inadequate, hopeless, worthless, sad, disconnected, guilty and a myriad of other emotions that have no basis in actual reality. But they are very real in my brain.

My family bears the brunt of my mental issues. They suffer my irrational tirades, huge confrontations, me staying in bed for days at a time, my not always getting things done that they need, and sometimes I'm just emotionally unavailable.

Both Steve and I have known for a long time that I needed more help, but the actual GETTING of the help is the bitch. Doctors that won't call back for an appointment or not being able to get one for 2 months out has left both of us frustrated and feeling abandoned even though we have good insurance. Thank God Steve was able to talk me down from the really bad events where I didn't care if I lived or died. Knowing what we know now, the ER was probably the place I needed to go.

So, I got in with a psychologist last week. I could cry at the relief that I am finally talking with someone who understands, who recognizes that I actually do have problems, and who is reacting to the situation with the urgency that is required. She let me off the hook with the fact that I would not be able to just "shake it off", "get over it", "work it out", or "stop being so dramatic" on my own. I have heard all of these things, and more, some really harsh words over the years. She also understands that an artists brain is just plain wired differently, and is sensitive to the fine line we must walk between getting me feeling better, and taking away my creative edge. I finally feel like I have an actual caring professional in my corner, with some compassion, rather than looking at me like I'm just making it all up.

I'll be honest, it's hard not to be a little resentful of the major people in my life that have just written me off as "difficult", or "just wanting to be miserable". I remember having my first mental break down at the age of 15. I got a sleeping pill at the hospital, and one visit from my pastor (which I appreciated). No therapy, no follow up with the doctors, nothing. It was like it never happened. I continued to have these breakdowns, and various emotional events right up until this year...last week even. Those around me just get angry, like I am doing it simply to make their life more difficult. Rolled eyes when I try to explain, and I am left feeling guilty and responsible, when the whole thing is equally as traumatic for me. No one would choose to feel that way on purpose. It's hard for me to understand why I didn't deserve the compassion, that maybe I can't control it, or maybe I am suffering, or maybe I need help. I feel like I've been on my own in some ways.

Steve has really stepped up to the plate now. He understands that I have major mental health issues, that are biological, just plain a part of who I am. They will never go away. We can only learn to manage it, and how to react to the episodes that will still come even with proper treatment. I have always shielded against his reaction to my issues, which I think has kept us from getting as close as we could have. I am purposely leaning on him now, trusting that he is there to protect me, and to help me when I am unable to help myself. I feel closer to him than ever before, and love him for taking these difficult steps with me and for getting the ball rolling when I couldn't. I feel truly loved, and safe.

So, what is going on... Bi-polar. Such an over used word these days. But a very real disorder. I hate that word "disorder". Makes me feel like I'm broken, like something is wrong with me. There are parts of bi-polar that I see as a true blessing. When I am on the high end, I can conquer the world, and I can create music, clean my house, write, dream and it is the best drug ever. I hope that I won't have to lose that part of it entirely with proper treatment. I realize that the manic episodes are not healthy though, the crash and disappointment when those grandiose ideas don't come to fruition can be devastating. When I am up I cannot control the decisions I make, I don't care about the consequences, I am on top of the world and all that matters is riding that wave of ecstasy. But like any drug, there is a crash. The fall is sudden and deep into the darkness. This darkness is where the bad thoughts live, the guilt, the worthlessness, the hopelessness, the failure for not accomplishing all those unrealistic goals.

There really is no gray area. I have my moments of clear thought, where I recognize how outrageous I can be. But, even in those moments of clarity the voices linger, the echos of whichever side of the swing I was on. It's time I get actual tools to help me cope. I have developed my own coping skills, covering it up with jokes, drinking too much, staying in bed for days, raging, crying, hiding myself away in music. I want to join the world without the masks on. I want to feel as good inside as I act on the outside. I want a true and meaningful relationship with my family. I want to develop friendships. I want to step outside this crazy world I live in, and really live IN the world. I realize that I am not selfish for wanting to feel better, and I deserve it, my family deserves a mother who is plugged in and available, my husband deserves a wife who is truly engaged.

Mixed in with the bi-polar, I also suffer from major anxiety, and have issues from my childhood that need to be worked through. (who doesn't). So, tomorrow I have an appointment with a psychiatrist to get my medications worked out. What I have been on has made me feel good, but has also aggravated the manic/anxiety side more than necessary. I am terrified of the medication cycle, but all I can do is put my trust in these new doctors that they will listen to me, take me seriously, and take my personal needs into consideration. If the meds can truly help, great, if I turn into a drooling zombie, no thanks. I'll take the craziness over losing my emotion all together. I don't want to get fat, or lose my libido. These are all deal breakers.

So, I start a new phase and a new journey. I still haven't seen 125 pounds, but I don't care. I have maintained the weight loss from last year (mostly....but that's another blog all together).

We head out to Disney for a much needed family vacation and escape from reality on Saturday. I'm getting my hair cut today, and I think I'm going to change it up. I've had it the same for 12 years. Maybe I need to put on a new look to go along with this new outlook.

I'm excited about all of this, but terrified that it won't really help, or that I will fail, or that I am not strong enough to really do it. I have hope, though. I know there is a happier life out there for me and for my family if I just do the work to get there. Now that I am no longer alone in this task, I feel like maybe, just maybe I will get there.

I pray that if you are suffering from depression, anxiety, or any other issues that you can find the strength to seek help. I hope that you have a supportive someone who will take your hand and take those steps with you. If you don't, I hope you can be stronger than I was. Make that phone call, drag your ass to the doctor, keep going until you find one who listens. I cannot tell you the burden that has been lifted from me knowing that I am not alone, and that there are people looking out for me now. You deserve the same, you really do. If no one else in your life is telling you that, then listen to me, even if you don't know me. The only reason I am even writing all of this is so that maybe I can be that voice of encouragement for someone who doesn't have it. I am no expert, in fact I don't know anything beyond how good it feels to be on the road to getting better, but I can be a cheerleader. I am willing to put my experiences out there for all to see. If just one person finds comfort in not being alone, it will be worth stripping down and bearing it all.

Stay tuned....more to come...to be continued =)

Shannon

The big day