Last year, I made a feeble attempt at getting my mental health issues worked out. A feel good medication, and a therapist that I didn't connect with. It was better than before, but I have come to realize not as good as it can get. After some intense episodes of rage, sorrow and fear... Steve took the bull by the horns and got me in with an actual phycologist last week. Sometimes I wonder if these blogs get too personal, but I figure 25 years of this bullshit is long enough, and if I have let it go on, maybe some of you are letting it go on. I want to share my journey to better living so that maybe even just one person will have the courage to seek help too.
I suppose I keep my issues well hidden from most. I can put on the happy mask, and parade around like my life is all rainbows and unicorns. But deep inside, I feel inadequate, hopeless, worthless, sad, disconnected, guilty and a myriad of other emotions that have no basis in actual reality. But they are very real in my brain.
My family bears the brunt of my mental issues. They suffer my irrational tirades, huge confrontations, me staying in bed for days at a time, my not always getting things done that they need, and sometimes I'm just emotionally unavailable.
Both Steve and I have known for a long time that I needed more help, but the actual GETTING of the help is the bitch. Doctors that won't call back for an appointment or not being able to get one for 2 months out has left both of us frustrated and feeling abandoned even though we have good insurance. Thank God Steve was able to talk me down from the really bad events where I didn't care if I lived or died. Knowing what we know now, the ER was probably the place I needed to go.
So, I got in with a psychologist last week. I could cry at the relief that I am finally talking with someone who understands, who recognizes that I actually do have problems, and who is reacting to the situation with the urgency that is required. She let me off the hook with the fact that I would not be able to just "shake it off", "get over it", "work it out", or "stop being so dramatic" on my own. I have heard all of these things, and more, some really harsh words over the years. She also understands that an artists brain is just plain wired differently, and is sensitive to the fine line we must walk between getting me feeling better, and taking away my creative edge. I finally feel like I have an actual caring professional in my corner, with some compassion, rather than looking at me like I'm just making it all up.
I'll be honest, it's hard not to be a little resentful of the major people in my life that have just written me off as "difficult", or "just wanting to be miserable". I remember having my first mental break down at the age of 15. I got a sleeping pill at the hospital, and one visit from my pastor (which I appreciated). No therapy, no follow up with the doctors, nothing. It was like it never happened. I continued to have these breakdowns, and various emotional events right up until this year...last week even. Those around me just get angry, like I am doing it simply to make their life more difficult. Rolled eyes when I try to explain, and I am left feeling guilty and responsible, when the whole thing is equally as traumatic for me. No one would choose to feel that way on purpose. It's hard for me to understand why I didn't deserve the compassion, that maybe I can't control it, or maybe I am suffering, or maybe I need help. I feel like I've been on my own in some ways.
Steve has really stepped up to the plate now. He understands that I have major mental health issues, that are biological, just plain a part of who I am. They will never go away. We can only learn to manage it, and how to react to the episodes that will still come even with proper treatment. I have always shielded against his reaction to my issues, which I think has kept us from getting as close as we could have. I am purposely leaning on him now, trusting that he is there to protect me, and to help me when I am unable to help myself. I feel closer to him than ever before, and love him for taking these difficult steps with me and for getting the ball rolling when I couldn't. I feel truly loved, and safe.
So, what is going on... Bi-polar. Such an over used word these days. But a very real disorder. I hate that word "disorder". Makes me feel like I'm broken, like something is wrong with me. There are parts of bi-polar that I see as a true blessing. When I am on the high end, I can conquer the world, and I can create music, clean my house, write, dream and it is the best drug ever. I hope that I won't have to lose that part of it entirely with proper treatment. I realize that the manic episodes are not healthy though, the crash and disappointment when those grandiose ideas don't come to fruition can be devastating. When I am up I cannot control the decisions I make, I don't care about the consequences, I am on top of the world and all that matters is riding that wave of ecstasy. But like any drug, there is a crash. The fall is sudden and deep into the darkness. This darkness is where the bad thoughts live, the guilt, the worthlessness, the hopelessness, the failure for not accomplishing all those unrealistic goals.
There really is no gray area. I have my moments of clear thought, where I recognize how outrageous I can be. But, even in those moments of clarity the voices linger, the echos of whichever side of the swing I was on. It's time I get actual tools to help me cope. I have developed my own coping skills, covering it up with jokes, drinking too much, staying in bed for days, raging, crying, hiding myself away in music. I want to join the world without the masks on. I want to feel as good inside as I act on the outside. I want a true and meaningful relationship with my family. I want to develop friendships. I want to step outside this crazy world I live in, and really live IN the world. I realize that I am not selfish for wanting to feel better, and I deserve it, my family deserves a mother who is plugged in and available, my husband deserves a wife who is truly engaged.
Mixed in with the bi-polar, I also suffer from major anxiety, and have issues from my childhood that need to be worked through. (who doesn't). So, tomorrow I have an appointment with a psychiatrist to get my medications worked out. What I have been on has made me feel good, but has also aggravated the manic/anxiety side more than necessary. I am terrified of the medication cycle, but all I can do is put my trust in these new doctors that they will listen to me, take me seriously, and take my personal needs into consideration. If the meds can truly help, great, if I turn into a drooling zombie, no thanks. I'll take the craziness over losing my emotion all together. I don't want to get fat, or lose my libido. These are all deal breakers.
So, I start a new phase and a new journey. I still haven't seen 125 pounds, but I don't care. I have maintained the weight loss from last year (mostly....but that's another blog all together).
We head out to Disney for a much needed family vacation and escape from reality on Saturday. I'm getting my hair cut today, and I think I'm going to change it up. I've had it the same for 12 years. Maybe I need to put on a new look to go along with this new outlook.
I'm excited about all of this, but terrified that it won't really help, or that I will fail, or that I am not strong enough to really do it. I have hope, though. I know there is a happier life out there for me and for my family if I just do the work to get there. Now that I am no longer alone in this task, I feel like maybe, just maybe I will get there.
I pray that if you are suffering from depression, anxiety, or any other issues that you can find the strength to seek help. I hope that you have a supportive someone who will take your hand and take those steps with you. If you don't, I hope you can be stronger than I was. Make that phone call, drag your ass to the doctor, keep going until you find one who listens. I cannot tell you the burden that has been lifted from me knowing that I am not alone, and that there are people looking out for me now. You deserve the same, you really do. If no one else in your life is telling you that, then listen to me, even if you don't know me. The only reason I am even writing all of this is so that maybe I can be that voice of encouragement for someone who doesn't have it. I am no expert, in fact I don't know anything beyond how good it feels to be on the road to getting better, but I can be a cheerleader. I am willing to put my experiences out there for all to see. If just one person finds comfort in not being alone, it will be worth stripping down and bearing it all.
Stay tuned....more to come...to be continued =)
Shannon
